It doesn't cost a thing to smile

Saying Goodbye

2011-11-16T13:45:00.001-08:00

This numb feeling scares me. It is exactly how I felt when I got the call about the flooding in Cabaret. The same nothingness I felt standing in the shower after I found out that Maggie died. It’s the absence of emotion I felt after the earthquake. It’s the empty hole I feel whenever I try to imagine someone other than Pastor John saying, “you may now kiss the bride.” at my wedding. It’s a pain so deep you can’t quite access it. So ‘nothing’ fills its place.

Every morning when I step out on my balcony and look out at my garden I feel the rush of emotion shooting up to my throat. I quickly turn around and keep myself busy making coffee or planning out my day.

When I talk to Patris and hear the pain is his voice, my eyes instantly yearn for the tears to start flowing, so we start talking about the bread I need to order for the orphanage.

I’m nervous about tomorrow. I know I won’t be able to keep it all down. I am beginning to understand Haitian grieving. Throwing yourself on the ground, screaming you heart out and crying out in pain. It get’s all that emotion out. It accesses how you really feel. I want to scream out, I am in pain. I want to throw myself down on the ground and just lay there until my tears turn the dust on my face to mud. But instead I throw up all night and wait for the tears to come.

Someone killed someone I love, I don’t know whom, and I don’t know why. My mind just can’t seem to grasp that it’s true.

Since I first came to Haiti the Aristhome family took me under their wing and loved me like one of their own. They never expected anything from me, the never asked me for a dime. They just poured out unconditional love. They’re taken care of me when I was sick, they’ve prayed for me for everything and anything, they’ve helped me move, they’ve helped me paint, they’ve invited me for dinner when they knew I would be homesick, they have been my Haitian family since day one.

But now we say goodbye to the patriarch of this amazing family. Jolibris my dear friend has been laid to rest. Tomorrow we will meet together next to a bridge, and under a tree to celebrate his life, to say goodbye to my Haitian Dad.

I am heartbroken. Jolibris will be missed every single day.

Rachel

Earthquake Damage

2011-08-14T17:44:00.000-07:00

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything about the earthquake, and in a way I hate to start again now, but the truth is January 12th, 2010 is a day that forever changed me.

The Earthquake itself was scary of course, how could it not be when you your cement house is wiggling like jello and things are smashing all around you? Yes, it was scary, but the earthquake isn’t what changed me. It was the aftershocks, the things I saw, the screaming, the wailing, the smells, the blank stares, the cracks everywhere, so many cracks.

A few days ago I was described as “fragile”. Not as a put down, but as a matter of fact statement. “I know you are fragile Rachel, but you don’t need to worry.”

I wasn’t really sure how to respond to this, but after spending some time reflecting I realized that it is true. I am fragile. I also realized that it’s ok.

My house has visible cracks, the walls, the ceiling, the stairs, the patio, the railing…you can see them all. You know the house was shaken, you can’t hide it, believe me we tried. My Dad came to Haiti a few months after the earthquake and filled every crack in my house. Not being able to see the cracks made a huge difference, but as time has gone on, and the earth continues to shake from time to time those cracks have started to show through. You can cover them up, but they won’t go away.

The same goes for me, although my cracks are much less visible, at least to those who don’t know me well. People don’t notice how jumpy I still am, or see my continued anxiety. Most people don’t know my heart pounds when not all the doors to the church are open, if an exit is blocked, or if I am not sitting on the end seat of the pew. They don’t see me wake up in a panic in the middle of the night desperately trying to convince myself the earth is not really shaking. Yes, it is easy to cover the cracks, but they are still there.

On one of my first visits to Canada after the earthquake my Aunt Helen shared a quote with me, “There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. “ I think about this often. Two years ago I would have been offended to be called fragile, but my fragility is a part of who I am now. My story includes January 12th. There are many cracks in this girl’s life, but those cracks let the light in, and I keep on pressing on, one step at a time.

Peace, love and light shining through,

Rachel

Goodbye Comfort Zone!

2011-08-11T16:54:00.001-07:00

Tonight was an exciting night. Pastor Patris has started a Bible study with our kids 12 and older on Thursday nights, and I decided it would only make sense to have a Bible study for the little kids at the same time.

I started leading a Monday Bible study with the ladies on campus a few months ago and have really enjoyed it. We’ve gone through Crazy Love and Forgotten God and it’s been so great. We’re about to start another Francis Chan DVD book study called Who is God? Leading the study is so far out of my comfort zone, but somehow I’ve come to really love it.

And so now, again I have once again stepped out of my comfort zone and started a Bible study for the kids. I was pretty nervous about it, but thankfully I know the kiddos love me and knew going in if I messed up horribly it would be ok. Tonight we talked about creation and it went so well. The kids were excited about the study and were answering questions and wanting to be involved. We learned tonight that everything God created He created with a purpose. God chose to create everything He created; the same way He chose to create each one of us.

It was awesome and I am already looking forward to next Thursday night at 5:00.

Peace, love and stepping out of the comfort zone!

Rachel

The Letter

2011-08-05T16:46:00.000-07:00

I received a letter this morning from one of the little girls. This isn’t anything out of the ordinary, our kids are very thoughtful and send me letters almost every day. This letter however, was a little different. Here is the translation:

“I love you Rachel. Thank you because you didn’t let me die in this hurricane. Thank you because you helped me. When I was sick you took me to the hospital. In the earthquake you didn’t let me die and you gave me food. I want to say thank you very much Rachel. God Bless you so much Rachel.”

All I could do was hug her and tell her I love her.

Rachel

Life and Thanks

2011-08-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

One of the best things about living in Haiti is having the opportunity to serve along side AMAZING people from all over the world! We currently have staff here from Canada, the United States and Japan!

There is a special bond between staff here. You go through a lot together, the good, the bad and the ugly. Living in community can sometimes be a challenge, (working together, living together, eating together…). However, it can also be super fun; dance parties, dinner parties, movie nights, TV show marathons, Bible study, sweatfests, meltdowns, giggle-fests, celebrations and of course kickboxing at 5:30 in the morning. We go through it all together.

As my fifth year comes to an end I am looking back and thinking of all the people I have met, the bonds I have made. So many people have touched my life. So many people have helped shape who I am today. So many amazing people have crossed my path, some just for a week, some for a year and some, I’m sure, for a lifetime.

I have been blessed beyond what I ever could have imagined. My life looks nothing like I ever planned, but it also exceeds my expectations every single day. Who would have thought my best friend would be a Pastor from Simonette who graduated high-school at 29, and that my boyfriend would be a widow with three small boys. Who would have thought I would be the one constant thing in the lives of 59 children? Life is funny that way, it’s never what we think it should be, thank the Lord!

As this season comes to an end for a number of our staff I look forward with excitement, wondering who God will throw on our front step next, and I look back with gratitude on the times we had together.

Thank you Cheryl and Laurens for the 3 years we spent together, thank you for changing my life and for helping me keep it together when everything was falling apart.

Thank you Kara-Lynn for investing in the kids, for taking the time to listen to them when they just needed someone to talk to. Thank you for the many hours we spent on the couch trying to solve the world’s problems, or at least figure out how to make it through the day.

Thank you Bailey for sharing your smile, your wisdom and your amazing singing voice. Your joy and excitement for life is contagious.

Thank you Brad and Vanessa for your guidance and encouragement. Thank you for being a constant in my life, and for giving me this amazing opportunity.

I’m not really sure what life without my peeps will look like but I know it will be an amazing adventure, it always is.

Peace, love and friends,

Rachel

I would also like to say a special thank you to my family. They have given up so much to enable me to be here. I know it's not easy to have your daughter, sister, cousin, niece or auntie so far away. It's been five years of missed Birthdays, Christmas', Easters and Thanksgivings'. I have missed engagements, wedding planning, surgery recovery, pregnancy and the birth of my nephew. Thank you for loving me and supporting me even though some of you are not 100% ok with me being here!

The Treasuer Hunt

2011-06-18T20:23:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday was one of my favourite days ever. My alarm went off at 4:20am. It took me a minute to realize what was going on and then I remembered that I had to get ready for our surprise outing! Dr. Cheryl has been teaching a kickboxing class on her front porch for the past few months, the secret outing was a reward for everyone who had participated. I’m not going to lie, I kind of snuck in, I had only ever been to 4 classes!

The nine of us squished into Cheryl’s car and headed out. We drove and drove not having a clue where we were going. Past Giant supermarket, past the church that sells beer, past the vendor’s where I almost bought that fat lady painting (that I still think about all the time!) and then up this windy road that led us to a gate marked “Barbie”. Walk through the doors and you quickly forget you are in Haiti. Barbie’s is this amazing salon and spa in Petion ville where you can get an amazing manicure/pedicure all for $15!

A few hours later and with much smoother feet we all piled back into the car, being careful not to step on each other beautifully painted toes and headed out for pizza at munchies. One glass of lime juice and four slices of AMAZING pizza later we headed back home.

In so many ways life in Haiti is like a treasure hunt, there are so many precious jewels on this island; whether it be the Hope House, the Mission of Hope family, my favourite professor, the beach, freshly picked bananas, a pizza joint or a nail place. Haiti truly has it all, you just need to know where to look!

Peace, love and treasure hunts!

Rachel

Oh what a week this has been!

2011-06-01T20:21:00.000-07:00

One fine day when I felt like everything that could go wrong was going wrong and I was feeling discouraged a wise man, named John Fraser, told me, “You know you are in God’s will and about to do something great for the kingdom when everything is coming up against you. It means Satan sees the great things coming and is working his tale off to stop it from happening.”

Well, it would seem we must be doing something great, with all the changes going on at the orphanage, because I have had one of the worst weeks ever.

It has been a constant struggle this week and to be honest it seems each day has progressively gotten worse. I am trying to keep my head up, and have a good attitude through it all. I try to focus on what John Boy told me and be confident that great things are on the horizon.

Kenol shared a verse with me yesterday, which I have been trying to keep at the forefront of my mind through everything that has been going on. Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. I am sitting here trying to be still and let the Lord fight this battle for me, but I need your help. I know from experience that prayer changes everything and so I am asking you to pray for me this week. Please pray for encouragement, strength to keep on going, faith to keep on trusting, joy to keep me smiling and peace that it is all going to be ok.

Peace, love and thanks,

Rachel

The Hope House is thinking outside the box!

2011-05-24T19:35:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day. Most of you know that I have been a little overwhelmed by our teenagers, we have over 30 of them. Trust me it’s a lot of pimples, deodorant, hormones, bras and mood swings. When I came to the orphanage the kids were little and we were an amazing orphanage for little kids: one of the best in Haiti by far. Unfortunately, kids can’t stay little forever. The majority of our kids are now over the age of 12. They are growing up and the orphanage needs to grow with them. What worked for a 9 year old doesn’t work for a 14 year old. We have definitely experienced some growing pains this past year as we have been trying to figure how to grow with them. How to make it work and how to make it great.

Over the past few months I have gone away twice by myself for a long weekend. I spent this time without electricity, alone, praying through the changes and seeking direction for the orphanage. Thankfully the Lord showed up on both of these trips and gave me clear vision of where we need to go. Fast forward a few months and here we are starting to implement the changes the Lord revealed to me while I sat next to an oil lamp with my pen and paper. It’s a little scary, but it is so amazing to watch that vision turn into a reality.

We have always had Mommies working the kids. One of the major changes we are making is bringing in “Daddy’s” to work with the boys 12 and older. I think it is so important for the boys to have a strong male role model, especially during adolescence. The boys need to have someone to model their lives after, someone to talk things through with and learn from. The problem was that I had no idea where I would ever find the “right men” for the job. The whole idea of men working as caregivers at an orphanage is something that doesn’t really happen in Haiti.

Today was my first day of interviews. We had 4 positions to fill and I was worried it would take days of interviews to find the “right” people. I have done A LOT of interviews over the years and it usually takes 4 or 5 interviews to find one new employee. I thought I would start with 4 interviews today just to see how things went, I really wasn’t sure how it would all go down. I was blown away by the first man Frantz and I interviewed. He had such a clear vision, passion and tons of experience working with youth. It was unbelievable! When he left the interview Frantz and I turned to each other and at the same time said, “We need to hire him!” The second man came in and it happened all over again, the third man and once again we were left saying, “We have to hire him too!” When the last man came in we couldn’t even believe what was happening. In two hours we had found the men we need! Every one of them is exactly what we are looking for. One is a gifted musician and music teacher, another a mechanic, another a former Math teacher. One was a youth pastor, one is an artist who loves to teach painting and they have all graduated high school (a great achievement in Haiti) and two had finished university. Two of the men were even Mission of Hope students, which I thought was the icing on the cake!

Teenagers are a whole new experience for me, and it has been overwhelming at times but after today I feel like we can actually do this! I feel like it’s not only going to work, but that it’s going to be amazing!

Look out Haiti, the Hope House just got even more amazing!!

Peace, love and Daddy's!

Rachel

Steevenson the 7 year old man-boy!

2011-05-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

I saw a picture of Steevenson yesterday that took my breath away, it took a moment for it to register that it was even him. He didn’t look like the cubby cheeked toddler, or even a little guy who used to follow me around everywhere. He looked like a boy, a real BOY; the grown up kind! How did that happen???

It is amazing what can happen in five years. When I moved to Haiti Steevenson was just 2 years old. We bonded my very first day and he has been my little man ever since. I call him my shadow; he follows me everywhere, and has since he was two. He walks along side me and chatters away barely pausing to take a breath, asking a million questions about everything imaginable.

It has been said that Steevenson has adopted some of my charter traits. I can see it sometimes when he’s talking, especially when he gets excited. Arms flailing, voice bouncing up and down, with sounds effects and lots of over exaggerated facial expression. I can’t help but laugh, he really is a mini Rachel in so many ways!

I sometimes wonder what he’ll be like as a teenager, what he’ll do when he grows up, and most importantly what kind of man he will become. I asked him the other day what he wants to be when he grows up. He put his hands on his hips, titled his head to the side, sighed and said, “I already told you, when I grow up I want to sweep floors!” That we need to work on, he’s been saying that since he was 3 years old!! Apparently his dream still hasn’t changed!!

I love that little man more than anything. These kids have a way of grabbing onto your heart and never letting go. I am blessed to spend my life with them.

Peace, love and future floor cleaners,

Rachel

One More for the Kingdom!

2011-04-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

On Saturday we took a whole bunch of the kids to the beach in SImonette. As usual I ended up spending most of the afternoon surrounded by the little kids. We were playing and splashing around in the water when I grabbed Steevenson and threw him into the water. This of course started a line up of kids who wanted to be “baptized” as they were calling it. So one after the other I picked them up and “baptized” them. When my arms got tired we went back to splashing around in the water and one of the little boys asked me what it means to be baptized. This sparked a whole conversation about baptism and what it means to accept Jesus. At the end of our chat I asked the boys if they had asked Jesus into their hearts yet. Some of them had already, but there were a number of them who had not. When I asked them if they wanted to they had lots of questions; what do you need to say, what does it mean, what happens to you afterwards. It was really interesting to hear their questions, and how their 7 year old brains had processed what they were taught at church.

Then last night at church, when Pastor Patris gave the alter call Widler turned to me and asked, “Am I allowed to go up and accept Jesus?”

I of course said, “Yes!” He looked a little nervous but then that 7 year old boy got up and walked up to the stage all by himself and Pastor Patris led him through the sinners prayer. I watched that little guy standing up there in front of hundreds of people while he took that step of faith and thought to myself; This is why I am here, this is why there is a Hope House! This is why Mission of Hope exists – to bring life transformation through Jesus Christ!

Praise the Lord, God’s kingdom just keeps getting sweeter!

Peace, Love and Joy,

Rachel

Missing John Boy

2011-04-04T21:16:00.000-07:00

Death has a way of making us think about life.

Our days are numbered, some of us are allotted many, while other are given just a few. We don’t get to decide how many we are given, but we do get to decide how we will spend them.

John Fraser lived his days well. He truly made an impact on everyone he came in contact with.

John was not allotted as many days as we would have liked. The quantity was less than we all hoped for but the quality was more than we could ever have imagined. We can all learn a little something from the way he lived.

John lived with passion, loved immensely and overflowed with grace and wisdom. He made you laugh, he made you cry, he made you want to download random country songs and try on cowboy boots.

John has been a huge part of my life, now that he is gone, I am beginning to see the influence and impact he had on my life on a regular basis. I miss him dearly, everyday. John was more than my pastor, more than my mentor, more than my friend. His opinion mattered to me, his advice was the advice I followed. John was my leader, my spiritual father, my shoulder to cry on, my comic relief and my solid ground in this shaky life.

John had a gift, he believed in you when you didn’t believe in yourself. He could see potential in you when everyone else just saw a mess.

John’s presence in my life has everything to do with the fact that I am in Haiti now. He was the one who planted the seed of missions deep in my heart. Shortly after we came back from my first trip to Haiti John said something to me that changed my life, “You know you’re going to be living in Haiti full time some day, right?” The desire had already been planted, but I had never imagined that someone like me could be a missionary. I thought missionaries were perfect Christians who had it all figured out and I was definitely not in that category (they’re not by the way!). John could see past my mess and self-doubt. When he came out and said that he thought I could do it, I began to dream that maybe I really could.

I selfishly wonder what I am doing to do without John. I think when the tears finally dry up, instead of wondering what I am going to do without him, I am going to focus on what I can do because of him. John poured into me so much over the years, he was a great example of what a leader is, showed me how to love both the lovable and EGR (Extra Grace Required), he demonstrated the qualities a good husband should have, what a true friend looked like, not to take yourself too seriously and sometimes you just need to have a good laugh, he taught me that making time for people was so important, and most of all that Jesus should be the center of everything you do.

I thank the Lord I had the opportunity to be loved on and mentored by someone so great. I hope someday you will see some of John’s greatest qualities living on in me.

We miss you John Boy!

Peace, Love and Top Shelves,

Rachel

An Intense Monday Morning!

2011-03-01T21:15:00.000-08:00

I am writing this on my phone from a hospital bed in our Clinic's little ER room. Praise the Lord for our clinic. This morning as I drank my morning coffee and thought about the seemingly uneventful day laying ahead the phone rang. It was Mommy Edith, she sounded calm, but extremely worried. She explained that Pierre was breathing funny and was clenching his jaw again. Knowing Pierre's medical history I knew we needed to get him to the clinic asap. I jumped in my truck and headed down to the nursery. Mommy Edith came out with Pierre in her arms and we made our way to the clinic. We went right into the ER room and Rick, one of our newest North American staff members, started working away on Pierre. He was hooked up to a number of machines, but his breathing became more and more labored. I climbed up on the bed told hold Pierre upright as they worked on him. As his breathing became increasing difficult I watched as the room became a flurry of action, once again I felt my life was like a scene from a movie. I watched as everything was happening at lightening speed, but was seeing it all in slow motion. Everyone was talking in hushed voices and they were all rushing around frantically. I realized that the situation was serious as I watched our medical staff work away on him as I held him in my arms.

We prayed for healing as he struggled to take each breath. I was trying my hardest to hold it together but the tears started streaming down my face, I began to wonder if this beautiful child was about to die in my arms. We prayed some more. It felt like an eternity of scared looks and worried faces but finally Pierre began to breathe again at a more normal rate. Slowly but surely he came around, to the point that Rick was able to say instead of rushing him out in the ambulance to "hopefully" find a hospital that could take him, we could keep him here in our little ER room for observation. Praise the Lord. Once again God stepped in and saved this little boys life. He is sleeping soundly on my lap right now. We know his medical problems are far from over, but we thank the Lord for another day with this special little man. If it had not been for our clinic, Pierre most likely would not be with us anymore. Thank you Lord for Mission of Hope, and for saving one more precious life. Please keep Pierre in your prayers as we continue to pray for miraculous healing!

Peace, Love and miracles!

Rachel

Where do we go from here?

2011-02-15T21:14:00.000-08:00

Good evening,

I hope you are all doing well.

It has been a while since I have written, I am sorry about that. I promise to get back into the groove of writing soon. It is too easy to get too busy to write, but I do need to take the time. So much happens everyday, things I want to remember and some I don't! Raising kids is hard, I am learning more and more about that everyday. Raising teenagers on the other hand is a whole other level of crazy and right now over half of our kids are 12+.

That being said, I would greatly appreciate your prayers if you think of it over the next few days. I am taking the next three days off to stop and re-assess. I am taking this time to seek the Lord’s wisdom and guidance, soak in the Word and hopefully find some direction on where we go from here. Life in Hope Village has been very challenging so far (change always is) and I am praying the Lord will overwhelm me with Godly wisdom and clear guidance on the changes that are happening and need to happen.

Thank you in advance for your prayers,

peace, love and stillness.

Rachel

Jan 12th Remembered

2011-01-12T21:12:00.000-08:00

It’s hard to believe it was a year ago today my world fell apart. Most of the time it feels like the earthquake happened a hundred years ago, but when I find myself jumping out of my skin when someone bumps my chair, I am reminded that it really wasn’t all that long ago.

For the past 12 months I have been waiting for the tears to come. I have cried, short little burst of tears, but there has been this lingering sorrow waiting to burst through my tear ducts. Last night the tears finally came. It was at our Tuesday night worship service, we sang this song we’ve sung a hundred times before but for some reason last night it hit me like a ton of bricks and the tears started falling, those tears turned into sobs and soon there was a small puddle of salt water forming at my feet. The song is a creole song that translated says something along these lines; When your life becomes dark and everything is difficult don’t be afraid. Our Lord says that He is responsible and He will be with you through it all, don’t be afraid.” This time, instead of forcing myself to pull it together I just cried. I was finally able to just cry, and be sad, and mourn the loss, not only for the hundreds of thousand that passed away, the loss of my sense of security but also the loss of a country; the Haiti I knew and loved is gone, everything has changed but God has been there with us through it all.

It is incredible to be here, one year later and see the amazing things the Lord has done. I have heard hundreds of “earthquake stories”. People who should have been at school but were called in to work and their school collapsed, people who were in buildings that collapsed completely who made it out without a scratch, people who were stuck in traffic and were late for appointments in buildings that fell down, people who were trapped in the rubble for weeks and somehow survived. I don’t know why the earthquake happened or why so many had to die. I do know that I survived for a reason, and I will live everyday of my life thankful that I am still here. I will live everyday with purpose and meaning because I have been given a second chance to make a difference.

Mission of Hope has played a huge role in Haiti since the earthquake.

In the past year we have:

Provided a loving home to 65 orphaned children.

Treated 27,419 patients in our clinic.

Performed 266 orthopedic and plastic surgeries.

Served 16,856 earthquake and ER trauma cases.

Made 75 prosthetic limbs for amputees.

Educated over 10,000 Haitians on sanitation, hygiene and cholera prevention and treatment.

Built 18 village homes and two schools.

Fed 11,813 students daily through 50 partner schools.

Educated 200 family farmers with agricultural training.

We are currently:

Educating 2,516 students in our school.
Building a 500 home community for earthquake victims on land given to us by the Haitian government.
Building an agricultural and trade school.
Feeding 11,000 students daily through partner schools.
Treating 100-150 patients daily at our medical clinic.
Providing a loving home to 62 orphans in our new Village of Hope.
Employing 235 Haitians on the ground in Haiti.
Partnering with over 70 other organizations working in Haiti.

Haiti is broken, but there is still hope; hope for a better life, hope for a brighter future. Please visit www.mohhaiti.org to find out more about Mission of Hope and how you can be involved in helping rebuild Haiti.

To support my ministry with Mission of Hope send donations to:

Rachel Montgomery c/o
Falls View BIC
7189 Drummond Rd
Niagara Falls, ON
L2H 4P7

Cheques should be written to: Falls View BIC with Rachel-Haiti on the memo line.

Please take a moment today to pray for Haiti, a country of survivors struggling daily just to make it through the day.

Peace, love and remembrance,

Rachel

Our Best Christmas Yet!

2010-12-25T21:11:00.000-08:00

We watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas every Christmas Eve at the Hope House. It has become a tradition; I was thinking about traditions this year and had one of those “Ah Ha” moments. How incredible that I get to be the one to start some of these fun Christmas time traditions with the kids. I picture Michelove or Stevenson all grown up watching the Grinch with their kids telling them, “When I lived in the orphanage we watched this movie every Christmas Eve.” Of course I like to imagine they would continue with something along the lines of, “Growing up at the orphanage was a great blessing. We would not be where we are today if God has not intervened and brought me to that orphanage so many years ago.”

Christmas is kind of a big deal at the Hope House. The kids talk about the party year round. They start right away on December 26th with their questions; What are we going to do for Christmas next year? Are we going to get presents? Will we eat at the guest house? Will we sleep in the old Hope House building?

This year our party was by far the best party we have ever thrown. We do a talent show each year and this year the kids really kicked it up a notch. A group of our boys have been taking music lessons and they played a few songs for us, playing the keyboard, drums, 3 trumpets, 2 trombones and guitar!! We also had a choir of kids sing led by Elisson, one of the older boys, which was AMAZING! We also had a big surprise; the kids had no idea but I was able to bring in The Preachers, a Christian Haitian rap group that is quite popular. The kids had no idea they were coming. It was like the Backstreet Boys or Justin Beiber were on stage. The kids were jumping up and down, dancing around and screaming.

After the kids went to bed I brought all their gifts down to the kitchen. The kid’s gifts are the most stressful part of Christmas for me. It’s hard enough to make 62 gifts even but to pick out things that will make each child happy, when they are all so different, is a challenge but I was determined to enjoy Christmas instead of being overwhelmed by it and I did! I had so much fun buying their gifts this year and getting their bags ready. Christmas morning was so exciting. I was fairly confident the kids would all be happy and I was right! Especially Iverson. He made my day. This was his first Christmas at the Hope House (He and his brother Galaxon came in March after their mother passed away.). When he ripped open his bag his eyes lit up. Everything he picked up made him scream out a joyous, “WOY GADE!!!” which means, “Wow, look at this!”

We had a wonderful celebration and I hope you did as well. It was an extra special blessing to have Pierre home with us for Christmas and to be able to eat our Christmas dinner and open our gifts in “Maggie’s Kitchen.”

Thank you for your love and support. Together we are bringing hope to these children.

Peace, love and the Grinch!

Rachel

Home Sweet Home!

2010-12-20T21:10:00.000-08:00

Pierre the miracle baby has been released from the hospital and is finally home. The doctors told us he wouldn’t make it. The mommies didn’t think he would make it. I didn’t think he would make it.

A few emails and a few hundred prayers later and here he is smiling away!

Through all of this we have discovered that Pierre has a cyst in his brain and needs brain surgery. We are working hard to get a medical visa for him to go to Austin, Texas for surgery at Dell Children’s Hospital. This cannot happen without a few mountains being moved, thankfully our God is known for mountain moving!

Please pray that everything comes together for him to get this surgery.

Peace, love and home sweet home!

Rachel

Update on Pierre

2010-12-11T21:09:00.000-08:00

I know many of you have been waiting for an update on sweet Pierre. I have not been able to send one because I have not had contact with anyone at the hospital since the riots began Tuesday night. Thankfully yesterday things calmed down enough for us to get through with our ambulance.

I waited anxiously to hear how he was doing. I had a missed call Thursday morning at 3:00am from an unknown number, which made me nervous, I thought the call was possibly from someone at the hospital calling with bad news. When Frantz, the orphanage supervisor, got back, I called him to hear how Pierre and the mommy who had been with him were. Frantz told me he was coming up to talk to me. I panicked, thinking the worst. I ran down to meet Frantz asking him what was going on. He laughed and pulled out his phone to show me a video he had taken of Pierre LAUGHING!! Can you believe it, laughing and smiling! The same Pierre who has been on his deathbed for the past two weeks, Praise the Lord! He is still in the critical care unit, and we still don’t know what is wrong but the fact that he was responsive and smiling is HUGE.

Thank you all for your prayers, I believe the fact that Pierre is still alive is because there are hundreds of people around the world praying for him. Please continue to pray for a miracle. My prayer is that Pierre will leave the hospital healed completely! (For those of you who do not know Pierre’s story he was abandoned at our clinic months ago and prior to this illness already had both neurological and muscular problems.) I will keep you posted with his progress.

Peace, love and that sweet toothy grin!

Rachel

Hope House Update!

2010-12-03T21:08:00.000-08:00

Good morning,

Pierre is doing ok. He is still in the critical care unit but is apparently doing a little better. Cheryl was able to speak with one of the doctors who has been working with him, she said that there has been some improvement. We are still waiting for the results of the Meningitis tests, which should be back in the next few days. He will be going in for a CT Scan today or tomorrow hopefully which might provide some answers as well. The doctor said we just need to wait out the next few days to see what happens, if he does continue to improve he could possibly be moved to a regular in the near future.

To be honest I was confused by Cheryl’s report from the doctor after I went in, because he appeared worse than he was on Tuesday. He was seizing off and on while I was in with him. Mommy Morpeau (The mommy staying with him yesterday) called last night to let me know that he had stopped seizing and was looking much better than when she first saw him yesterday, which was just after I was with him. So I think I was just there at a bad time.

Please continue to pray for Pierre, we are in need of a miracle, and thankfully our Lord is in the miracle business.

In other Hope House news the kids are moving up to Hope Village tomorrow! I am about to head down for our first staff meeting with all our new staff, I will be giving out the room assignments tonight before movie night, everyone is so excited! I just can’t believe tonight is our last movie night at the Hope House! Next week we will be watching our movie in Maggie’s Kitchen!!

Please pray for us as we move the kids up, get to know our new staff and adjust to life in the village!

Please Pray for Pierre!

2010-11-30T21:07:00.000-08:00

Please be praying for Pierre, who is one of the newest additions to the Hope House family. Some of you will remember his story, he was abandoned at our clinic a few months back.

He was admitted into the children’s Hospital Saturday with an extremely high fever and some other complications. I don’t know all the details yet, as I just got back in country this morning, after a weekend away. I hope to go back to the hospital tomorrow and talk to the doctor to find out more. They are thinking possibly meningitis.

Please keep this little guy in your prayers and I will keep you posted as I find out more.

Peace, love and miraculous healing (Please Lord!)

Healed or healing?

2010-11-16T21:04:00.000-08:00

I sometimes wish we could be done talking about the Earthquake. I wish we could just move on. I wish that it could be done with, in the past tense, but the truth of the matter is that the Earthquake has become a part of who I am, who we all are here in Haiti.

As most of you know in April I was experiencing some pretty bad anxiety, still couldn’t sleep inside and was experiencing symptoms of PTSD. After a few months of therapy and rest in Texas I came back thinking I was “healed”. Adjusting back to life in Haiti has gone relatively smoothly. I am not going to lie, I have definitely had my ups and downs; there have been days I’ve felt overwhelmed or frustrated but my anxiety had been under control, until this weekend. I don’t know what changed or why all of a sudden I was losing control but for the past 5 days I have been having intense panic attacks numerous times every day. The attacks have been more intense and happening more frequently than ever before.

I did my best to keep this to myself. I was embarrassed and ashamed asking myself; Why am I still dealing with this? Why am I still waking up in the middle of the night thinking my bed is shaking? Why do I still jump every time something falls or bangs? Why am I having panic attacks again?

I went down for church just before 5:00 this evening; parked my truck, grabbed my bag and walked towards the church. When I turned the corner I stumbled upon a scene of complete chaos. There were probably 800 or so students running out of the high school. Some students were screaming, some crying, other still were sitting on the ground, as some were running for the front gate. One young woman covered in dirt and crying was being carried away by two other students. I ran to see what was going on. I heard the students saying that there had been another earthquake. I was confused because I hadn't felt anything. I looked over at the church to see if anyone there had reacted, I heard the band playing and could see people in the service. I was confused. Eventually I found Patris in the midst of the chaos; he explained that there had not been an earthquake but that one of the classes on the second floor had been let out early and as they ran down the stairs the students on the first floor felt the building shake and panicked, screaming as they ran for the door. This of course snowballed into the entire student body running for their lives, some even jumping off the balcony of the second story.

We had the teachers bring all the injured students into the library as I drove up the hill to get some members of the medical team here this week. There were a number of students with bloody knees, twisted ankles and bumps and bruises. The nurses were able to treat most of the students in the library and then send them on their way. We did have to bring 4 students up to the clinic to see the doctor. The most serious injury was a young man with a possible back injury. In the chaos he ended up pinned under a turned over school bench as other students climbed over him to get to the door. The other three students brought up had all fallen on their way out but were also having difficulty breathing and were pretty out of it. The ER room was hopping. As I ran between patients (as an interpreter) I noticed one of the girls starting to hyperventilate, I realized right away that she was having a panic attack. I was able to sit with her and talk her through it, slowing down her breathing and helping her stay calm, only because I knew exactly what she was feeling.

It was in that moment I realized that I am not the only one still dealing with the earthquake, we’re all traumatized, we’re all still dealing with it, we’re all still messed up and there is no shame in that. We can get through this together, no matter how long it takes.

Please continue to pray for Haiti, and those here serving.

Peace, love and an ongoing healing.

Rachel

p.s. The attached pictures are the aftermath of the chaos this evening.

Hurricane Tomas: All Bark and no Bite!

2010-11-07T20:57:00.000-08:00

The past few weeks have been pretty wild for Haiti. It started off with the cholera epidemic then came hurricane Tomas. Our team here has been extremely pro-active and once again we were prepared for disaster. I brought the kids up on Thursday to stay in Maggie’s Kitchen, the kitchen of the new orphanage facility, so they would be close by and in a safer building in case the winds really picked up. We brought up mattresses, MRE’s (Meals Ready to Eat) and of course the projector! Instead of sitting around worrying we had fun! The kids played on the playground (when it wasn’t raining) and made good use of the new pavilion, playing soccer and hanging out. The kids played cards, dominoes, checkers, Uno and we watched Mighty Ducks 1 and 2, Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squeakquel and this amazing documentary called Babies which the kids and I both LOVED.

We were expecting the worst and so we waited, and waited.

It was windy, but not enough to break any branches or anything.

It rained, but not really all that hard.

We waited some more. Eventually there was a good 20 minute downpour paired with a few lightening strikes and BOOMing thunder, and then it was over.

Saturday morning after breakfast the kids packed up and headed back down the hill, some were dragging their feet saying they wished there was still a hurricane so they could stay longer. I am thankful that instead of worrying the kids were able to have some fun!! This was also a great test run of what it will be like once the kids move into Hope Village (our new facility). I loved hearing them playing while I drank my morning coffee.

We are getting closer and closer to moving the kids up and I am getting more excited every day! This week I will be hiring some new staff, planning out room assignments, making our moving up shopping list, thinking through the staff and kids new schedules, adding a few new rules to our list and ironing out the final details of all the behind the scene things that need to be done.

Please pray for wisdom and guidance as well as a healthy dose of patience as the final arrangements are made for our move.

Peace, love and deflated hurricanes!

Rachel

The craziest day EVER!

2010-11-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

There is an unseen world that co-exists with ours. It’s called the spiritual realm. Before moving to Haiti I really never gave it much thought. I had heard of voodoo of course, but I thought it was make believe, hocus pocus stuff. I didn’t think people really practiced it, and I especially didn’t think anyone actually believed any of that stuff was real.

Fast forward four + years.

Voodoo is real, and it is nothing like the movies; people die, animals are sacrificed, alliances are made between this world and theirs and people can be possessed by evil spirits.

We have a new pastor (my good friend Patris) at Mission of Hope church and things are changing drastically in a good way. We have a prayer service every week day at noon, a 3 hour worship service every Tuesday night, a 6 hour prayer and worship service every Saturday starting at 6:00am, and Sunday morning service is standing room only now. The spirit is moving in a huge way.

The past four days have been especially spiritually saturated. The first two days of November are national holidays and important days on the voodoo calendar, All Souls Day and All Saints Day otherwise known as the Day of the Dead. The cemeteries are a flurry of activity during these two days as many Haitians will visit the graves of loved ones to participate in voodoo ceremonies; making offerings to the spirits and taking part in ritualistic dances. In response many churches hold activities at the same time. Our spiritual weekend started with the service on Saturday morning, then Sunday service followed by an additional 2 days of prayer and worship services focusing on breaking the alliances made between families and spirits.

When the church holds services of this kind, especially when they have a specific focus like this one, it is quite common to see someone in the church become possessed and begin wandering through the church. They always make their way to the front (on their own, or led by someone else) and then eventually drop to the ground where they writhe on the ground in very strange and unnatural ways before they are carried out of the sanctuary to be prayed for. I’ve seen this a number of times now and although it’s not as shocking as it used to be it still kind of freaks me out.

Today was a whole other level of crazy. There weren’t just one or two people wandering then dropping, no, there were almost 50 of them!! It was crazy, everywhere you looked someone was falling and then jerking around on the ground. There was a whole team of men carrying people from the church to the kindergarten yard where another team of people were casting out the spirits. It was intense. I was blown away when I saw Nicole (one of the Hope House kids) in the thick of it all praying her beautiful little heart out.

I was very clearly reminded today that we are in the middle of a war zone. Much of the fighting we never see, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. The Holy Spirit is moving in our area, and doing amazing things in and through our church. Satan is fighting back as hard as he can but he is losing ground everyday!

Peace, love and a fight worth fighting.

Rachel

p.s. Many of you know there is a hurricane headed directly for us. We are expecting to be hit Friday or Saturday and it looks like it is going to be pretty intense. Please keep Haiti in your prayers at this time, especially the hundreds of thousands of families living in make shift tents.

The Epidemic

2010-10-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

Epidemic. Is not the kind of word you want to hear; especially in a nation that is barely keeping it’s head above water as it is. Unfortunately the word epidemic has been ringing in our ears for the past few days. I know more about cholera now than I ever care to know.

Thankfully this time we at least have some time to prepare. The hurricanes, the earthquakes, the car accidents, the sudden deaths; those come all of a sudden and all you can do is scramble to pick up the pieces.

This time it’s different, this time we can actually be ready when disaster strikes and, we are ready, we are prepared. The beds are lined up, the buckets ready, the IV fluids and anti-biotics wait in anticipation. We sit quietly waiting for the chaos to break through the gate. Cholera we are ready for you!

Not only are we prepared but we are also being proactive. The medical staff has been busy educating our students, our staff and our church.

The kids are doing pretty well. They have been asking a lot of questions, are drinking only Culligan water for the time being (instead of using the bio-sand filters they normally use) and are using hand sanitizer like it’s going out of style. We had a “family meeting” and I explained as clearly as possible that they don’t need to worry, we are doing everything we can to protect them and even if they do get sick we have a clinic on campus, all they would have to do is take some medication and they would be fine. The little kids don’t really understand and unfortunately are hearing all sorts of wild stories from kids at school.

Last night Stevenson was acting a little strange, I pulled him aside and asked him what was going on. Between sobs he choked out that his stomach hurt and he didn’t want to die, the poor guy. We talked it through, and he was alright in the end, but still had this worried look on his face when I left.

Please keep Haiti in your prayers. It breaks my heart that kids don’t just get to be kids here. They shouldn’t have to worry about earthquakes and cholera, they should be laughing and playing worrying about soccer balls and Barbie’s.

Peace, love and the end of an epidemic!

Rachel

The brighter side

2010-10-20T05:47:00.000-07:00

Life is so confusing sometimes. Overwhelming even.

And then something amazing happens that reminds you to enjoy it, and just take it one day at a time.

This past Sunday was Nehemie’s baby dedication. It was an amazing day and I am so excited to be her Godmother! It was especially exciting because Patris, being the new pastor at Mission of Hope’s church, was able to do the dedication service himself. We then headed to the beach in Simonette to celebrate. Good things are happening all the time!

I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. My life doesn’t reflect the life I had imagined for myself, not even a little. It’s more stressful, chaotic and traumatic. But it’s also more fulfilling, joyful, exciting, adventurous and meaningful.

I have the most amazing family, the best friends in the world, the most fulfilling job in existence, a beautiful Goddaughter, a niece or nephew on the way (SO EXCITED!!), two amazing church families, a whole wack of amazing children to love, so many places to call home, and on top of all that there is always someone to miss, and someone is always missing me!

Yeah, sometimes life is confusing, and overwhelming but it’s also amazing and wonderful and breathtaking and I am going to do my best to make the most of every day I have. Including this one!

Peace, love and happiness,

Rachel

Dealing with Change

2010-10-20T05:18:00.000-07:00

Change.

Change is hard and there is a lot of change going on right now. I am having a hard time adjusting.

I keep waiting for things to go back to “normal” but what is normal? Parents begging me to take their children? People starving? Babies dying? Barefoot children wearing rags?

That was my normal before the earthquake.

Normal now is watching peoples homes blow away in the wind as they stand outside in the rain. Normal now is mile after mile of broken down tent cities. Normal now is hunger. Normal now is thirst. Normal now is sickness. Normal now is suffering.

How can this be normal?

I don’t understand how we can allow this to continue. How can some of us throw food away while others are starving? How can some of us drop out of school while other would give anything to have the chance to go? How can we worry about what colour to paint our shutters when millions of people are homeless?

I don’t know about you but I can’t sit back and do nothing. I can’t.

Yes, I am having a hard time adjusting, but my anger will fuel my desire for justice, my confusion will fuel my desire to seek truth and my frustration will fuel compassion.

Peace, love and action.

Rachel

Get involved.

No power, No problem??

2010-10-20T05:17:00.001-07:00

Power is always an issue in Haiti. Sometimes you have it, sometimes you don’t. Since I got back our inverter has been out of commission, which means we only have power when the generator is running. And so our power goes off each morning between 5:30 and 6:00.

Knowing we deal with incurable power issues, I was sure to keep that in mind when shopping for a new alarm clock a few weeks ago. I looked at a few different places and finally found one that wasn’t exactly what I was looking for but was pretty close, plus in bold red font on the box it said, “No power, no problem.”

This morning I set my alarm for 7:30. The power was already off but thankfully the alarm still went off at the right time. However, there seems to be one small detail the manufacturers overlooked. The alarm starts buzzing at the right time, but with no power it’s impossible to turn it off, I couldn’t even unplug it! So the soundtrack of me getting ready this morning was the non-stop, annoying buzzer sound of my wonderful new, “no power, no problem” alarm clock.

Sheesh.

Peace, love and alarm clocks,

Rachel

Oh Happy Today!!

2010-10-20T05:16:00.000-07:00

This morning bright and early I stumbled into the washroom, completely unaware of the unfortunate events about to unfold, I flicked on the light and wandered in, oblivious to the fact that I was mere seconds away from being brutally attacked by a giant cockroach. You see, cockroaches like dark places, so my bright disturbance was met with hostility. In the chaos of my intrusion the crazy cockroach ran directly at me, I was at a disadvantage seeing as my pj bottoms were already half way down before I saw him. The beast was half way up my calf before I could react. I ripped my pants off and jumped around squealing as quietly as possible seeing as it wasn’t yet 5:00am. Not a good way to start the day!

A few hours later I’m down at the orphanage attending the ‘end of summer camp’ talent show, where the kids recite the poems they learned, do short skits, sing songs and have dance contests. The show was pretty extensive; I’m talking hours and hours.

The last song of the show was my favourite, not because it was the last song but because it was by far the funniest! Ellison and Steevenson sang “Oh Happy Day.” I will never again hear that song and not think of Steevenson and his ad lib lyrics. Ellison sang first and then Steevenson would repeat, however, Steevenson didn’t seem to know the correct words; so as loud as ever, dancing with the microphone Steevenson was belting out, “Oh Happy Today.” Over and over! It was awesome.

Peace, love and a happy today!

Rachel

Home Sweet Home

2010-10-20T05:15:00.000-07:00

Greetings friends,

I have arrived safe and sound. I had a bit of a crazy night in Florida, but today was a smooth day. It is so great to be back, however, I am sweating my face off. Literally. I am seriously worried that the sweat is going to wash away my skin, like some sort of dermal erosion.

It amazes me that I have been gone for almost 5 months. It took about 3 minutes in the airport to feel back at home. If it wasn't for all the squeaky boys (who apparently hit puberty while I was gone), the fact that all the babies are walking and my jungle of a garden (that is AWESOME!) I could have sworn I hadn't been gone more than a day.

The kids and mommies had a 'Welcome Home' party for me, with speeches, songs and my favourite foods! It was so much fun. I am going to a juice party at Diana's now with all the other North American staff and then dropping into bed, with my fan turned up as high as it will go.

I am EXHAUSTED but so excited to finally be home. I love those kids and am so looking forward to getting this year started.

peace, love and sweaty parties!!

Rachel

Every time I went near Steevenson today, he started bawling, like hyperventilating snot going everywhere kind of crying. I finally pulled him aside and said, "What's wrong? How come you keep crying? Are you sad?" His answer was, "Yes, cause I missed you so much." Not quite getting that logic I said, "But I'm right here now! You don't have to miss me anymore!"

Where my heart is

2010-09-15T05:30:00.001-07:00

I have this vision, it’s like a cheesy scene in a movie; I’m running, slow motion, across the courtyard with my arms wide open. It’s hot, dusty, my hair is sticking to the back of my neck, my eyes are welling up about to spill over and I can’t stop smiling. I hear laughter and my name repeated over and over as the kids run out of the Hope House towards me.

Every time I visualize the scene I get choked up. I’ve been away from my kids for far too long. I have missed them so much. I miss their laughter, their fingerprints all over everything and seeing their noses pressed up against my screen door. I miss hearing my name repeated a billion times a day, and waiting in my truck as Steevenson runs across the yard yelling, “Don’t open the door, I want to open it for you.” I miss seeing the teenage girls giggling while they watch the boys play basketball, I miss chasing the girls back to the Hope House far away from those very same boys. I miss saying, “Where are your shoes?” over and over all day long. I miss the smell of rice and beans, and the clank of metal plates. I miss struggling through technical difficulties every Friday night. I miss sneaking into the baby room when I should really be working on something else. I miss dirty feet and working in my garden. I miss my old truck and it’s bad second gear. I miss the hum of the fan as I fall asleep. I miss the smell of fresh laundry off the line. I miss inverters, and batteries, water shortages and leaky roofs. I miss $7 boxes of cereal and all day trips to the grocery store. I miss heated debates over lunch at Gro Papa Poul, with hot sauce drizzled over everything. I miss babies with afros and ribbons and bows. I miss Mamoun’s coffee and getting very little done while somehow still working hard all day. I miss waking up every day knowing I'm a 30 second drive away from my heart.

Thankfully I won’t have to miss it all much longer. Thursday morning I will be home sweet home, ready to start my fifth year in Haiti!

Peace, love and Haiti,

Rachel

Something else Haiti has given me

2010-08-17T09:58:00.001-07:00

Sitting on a comfy red chair I look around the room. Amy is to my left, Bailey in the middle and Jeremy to my right. I can't help but laugh. Who would have ever thought the four of us would be sitting together in this super cute apartment in Austin, Texas?

You see, Amy is from Oklahoma City, Bailey is from some teeny tiny town in Missouri, Jeremy is from Jacksonville and I am from the great white north.

How in the world did this random group of misfits ever get connected???

Haiti.

As I laughed about my fun afternoon with good friends it dawned on me that a large percentage of my closest friends are people I have met in Haiti. It seems as though Mission of Hope is a magnet for amazing people!

The friends I have made through Mission of Hope are not your average friends. These friends are the 'for better or worse, in sickness and in health' kind, the life long kind, the 'would do anything for you' kind. The kind who open their homes to you, expecting nothing in return, the kind who fly you across the country to see that very special little man you've been missing, the kind who drive for hours to spend a few with you, the kind who think of you when they have an extra Dave Matthews ticket laying around, the kind that makes you carrot juice with a cheese grater when you're sick, the kind of friend that tells you it's OK to not be OK, the kind that takes your inner ugliness and somehow sees it as beauty, the kind of friend that knows when you need to hear,"I told you so." and when you don't, the kind of friend that tells you the truth, even when it isn't easy to hear.

I realized today that Haiti hasn't only given me amazing children it's given me amazing friends too.

Peace, love and good friends,

Rachel

Looking Back

2010-08-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

I realized this afternoon that I don’t often take time to look back on my life. I tend to think more about the things I have to do, or the things I hope to accomplish in the future. Today I had to go back through some old blog posts for a project I am working on for Mission of Hope, as I searched through the titles looking for specific entries I was very quickly sidetracked as each blog title brought back memories. As I read through the blogs I laughed and I cried and I realized how much has happened in the past few years!

I have had the opportunity to travel to:
- California
- Oklahoma
- Florida
- Michigan
- Texas
- Dominican Republic
- Panama
- Canada

I have lived through:
- Hurricanes
- Tropical storms
- An Earthquake
- Malaria
- A Poisonous Spider bite
- The death of a child

I have been a part of saving the lives of:
- Michelove
- Mackenlove
- Jeremiah
- Hannah
- Matthew
- Iverson
- Galaxon
- Job
- Smider

I have named 3 children and had two children named after me.

I have learned:
- That I love to write
- To speak, read and write Haitian Creole
- What it means to love a child, as your own
- How to send 60 kids to their rooms at the same time
- That it’s ok to need a break
- How to make budgets and schedules
- How to run staff meetings
- How to teach sex ed to 5 year olds
- How to hire and fire staff
- To trust God fully and completely

And most importantly I have found my purpose; my calling. I have found my place in this world; it’s in a green building, in a small village just North of Port au Prince.

Peace, love, memories and hope for more,

Rachel

My journey

2010-07-23T08:59:00.000-07:00

The ground beneath our feet is the base of everything physical. We find shelter on it, we eat food grown in it, we use fuel found deep inside it. We build our lives on it. I see my future on it. I dream from my bed, in my home, built on top of it. So what happens then when the ground beneath our feet suddenly becomes our enemy? What happens when this thing we’ve always trusted, always counted on turns against us?

I had just walked into my apartment and put my bag down when I heard this strange noise, like nothing I had ever heard before and the walls started to vibrate. My first thought was that someone was drilling on the other side of my living room wall but within second the vibrating turned to shaking. The entire house was shaking. I looked at my doorway and my cement walls were waving like jello. I stood, shocked, not having a clue what was happening. Things were falling off the walls and smashing all around me. It was then I heard someone outside yelling, “Get out! Get out! Everyone get out!” I ran for the door and saw my truck rocking back and forth hard like 5 strong men were rocking it. It was then I realized it wasn’t the house that was shaking, it was the ground.

Never in all my life had I felt more terrified. Never had I felt so powerless and helpless. There is nothing I could do to stop the earth from shaking. Nothing

We stood together in the drive way in complete shock. When someone said, “That was an earthquake.” I instantly snapped out of it. I jumped in my truck and flew down the hill to the orphanage.

It was the longest one minute drive of my life. I had no idea what I would find, was the orphanage still standing? Were the kids ok? I looked to the right and saw a huge dust cloud rising over the village of Source Matlas. I didn’t realize then that the dust cloud was from all the houses collapsing.

The kids were scattered all over screaming and crying. I ran inside the orphanage to make sure everyone got out. Many children and staff members were still inside the building in absolute shock, waving their hands in the air and crying. I had to pull our cook out of the building, she was in complete shock.

I rounded the kids and staff up and had them sit in the middle of the soccer field. The moments before our head count was complete felt like an eternity. Were they all there? Were they all ok? I just kept saying these things over and over in my head. When the last of the children and staff members were accounted for I was able to let out a sigh of relief. They were all alive. Praise the Lord!

It was already getting dark by this time and the kids had not eaten. I knew I needed to be proactive and figure something out. I went to the warehouse, thankfully we have a supply of Disaster Relief food that requires no cooking. Getting to the food was the problem. The warehouse looked like someone had picked it up and shaken it. Boxes were everywhere. The entire floor was a mess of boxes. I had to climb over a large pile of boxes and through a window to get to the food. My heart pounding hard, I was afraid another aftershock would hit while I was in the warehouse and I would be crushed by falling boxes.

The children sat in a large circle in the middle of the soccer field and ate their dinner in silence, some still crying. We had a time of prayer and worship, thanking God for protecting us, while I tried to figure out what to do with 60 kids and no place to put them.

Eventually I realized there was no other choice but to have the kids sleep outside. I pulled the mattresses out of the orphanage and we laid them next to each other in the church yard. I spent the next hour or so praying it would not rain and searching the entire mission for blankets and sheets. January is Haiti’s winter season and the temperature drops in the evenings. I knew the kids would need more than just a sheet to cover them.

People started showing up at the gate within about 20 minutes, babies crushed by fallen block, men and women with severe trauma. Trauma of every kind. There was so much blood.

I spent the first 48 hours after the earthquake going between the kids and the clinic.

The Hope House kids were sleeping all huddled together on their mattresses. It broke my heart to see the kids shiver through the night, as they lay on their mattresses in the middle of the churchyard, screaming every time they felt a tremor. It is my job to protect them. It is my job to keep them safe. It is my responsibility to keep things like this from happening to them.

Up at the clinic we couldn’t put everyone inside, it wasn’t safe and there were too many people. Sheets were laid out all over the cement floor of the outdoor waiting area of the clinic.

I tried to do what I could to help. I held the hands of terrified children, talking to them, and trying to keep them calm as their crushed bones were reset with no pain killers.

There were deaths that night. I remember seeing a tiny baby wrapped in a white sheet sitting on a cement bench, all alone. The baby had died. The parents had nothing to go back to, no where to bury their beloved child. They were forced to leave their child alone in the night, hoping someone else could lay him to rest.

At this point we had no idea who was alive and who was dead. The phones were down everywhere in the country and there was no way to find out who was ok. Every time someone showed up to the mission there was this amazing sense of relief like, oh thank God Ruben is alive! Thank God Sadrac is alive! The worst thing about the first 48 hours was that I had no idea if my best friend Patris was alive. He was on a work trip with our nutrition program. The phones were all down and there was no way to know. When he still had not shown up by late afternoon the next day I knew that he was dead. This was the first and to be honest really the only time I cried. I knew that he would have come already, it would not have taken that long to get back. I knew he would come as soon as he could, to see if his family was alive. I sat on a bench in the church and started crying. My best friend was dead. The Hope House kids came and sat with me. I’ve taught them over the years that they shouldn’t cry alone, they need to have someone with them to be with them when they are sad. We cried together. My tears formed a puddle on the cement floor. The kids told me I should not worry, that I should go up the hill and take a nap in my truck since I still had not slept since the earthquake hit the day before. A few minutes after I parked my truck in front of my house, Jean Marc and Mansado ran into the yard, sweating hard from running up the hill, screaming “Patris is here, he’s alive!” Praise the Lord.

The next days and weeks are a blur. I found tents for the kids and we moved in. The kids were quite content in the tents, we kept them sheltered from seeing what was going on in their country as much as possible. We tried to keep it fun for them, like they were at camp. It was hard to be out in the city, seeing those horrible things all day and then coming home and trying to be OK for the kids, so they would not be scared.

The Hope House kids were so amazing after the earthquake. The boys worked in the warehouse everyday, loading vehicles with food for distribution, unloading containers and helping sort items. The girls washed sheets for the clinic, fed all the pre and post op patients daily and we had both girls and boys working as interpreters at the clinic and hospital. It was amazing to see their willingness and eagerness to help.

The two and a half months after the earthquake were go go go all the time non-stop. I was sleeping in the tents with the kids and working like crazy all day on the mission or in the city. It was so surreal to drive through town past the bank, the grocery store, the markets; these places I had been so many times before and see nothing but rubble. The worst part was knowing that people I knew were buried inside. Some buildings I had been in were so destroyed there was not even any blocks left, the building literally was pebbles and powder.

The mind is a powerful thing. I held on as long as I needed to, once I knew things would be ok at the orphanage without me I started to feel the intensity of what I had just lived through. Up until that point I had not even thought about it. I was in emergency mode within minutes after the earthquake, there was no time to worry about me, there were 60 children and 16 staff looking to me for guidance, this was no time to fall apart during the day.

Things started to slow down a bit mid March. The kids were out of the tents. There was still a lot going on but the “emergency” part of it was getting close to being over. In the days after the earthquake the man that worked along side me in the orphanage left, there was too much going on at the time to even think about hiring someone else so I in the midst of all the chaos I found myself running the orphanage solo. We hired a replacement, Frantz, mid March, which was wonderful, he was able to take some of the load off me. When I felt confident that Frantz could handle things at the Hope House the darkness started to creep in.

I knew I needed to deal with what I experienced but I had no idea how to. I literally sat down one afternoon and had this conversation with myself, “Ok Rachel, it’s time to deal with this stuff.” That was the end of the conversation. I had no idea where to even begin. A few weeks went by, it started to get harder and harder to do anything. I was falling deeper and deeper into a very dark place. I tried everything I knew to snap out of it but I just kept falling deeper and deeper into sadness.

Everywhere I looked there was death. To the right of the mission is Maggie’s grave a little farther down the road is where the floods whipped out whole streets and houses. Go to the left a few miles and you find the mass graves where bodies were carried in the back of dump trucks and dumped into a pit. Along the sides of the road were truck loads of rubble from the city; block, desks, papers and sometimes bodies. You cannot go anywhere without being reminded of the horror. It was like I couldn’t get away from the death. I was drowning in it.

I woke up on a Monday morning and couldn’t bring myself to get ready for work. I knew I was not ok. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. My heart started pounding and I could barely breathe. Turns out I was having an anxiety attack. I had never experienced anything like that before. I went down to the office and asked Brad if I could talk to him. He could tell something was wrong and brought me into his office. I simply said, “I am not ok.” and started crying. We talked briefly about what I needed. I couldn’t tell him, I just knew I was not ok. He told me to head back up the hill and he would take care of everything else. Two days later I was flying into Austin, Texas. Knowing I was coming to them broken, and to be honest not knowing what to expect a courageous family was brave enough to opened their home to me and Hill Country Bible Church in Austin, Texas welcomed me with open arms.

I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on with me, why I was leaving Haiti. I left without even telling my family or my pastor I was leaving. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t handle it. I felt like I was weak. I felt like I should be able to just be ok.

I don’t remember much about the first weeks. It was a very dark time. I had nightmares almost every night and was filled with a sadness that filled every pore of my body. The sadness was so intense that it physically hurt. I was feeling anxious all the time, if something fell or there was a loud bang I would completely panic thinking everything was about to come crashing down on me, I had a hard time staying in buildings and always needed to know where the closest exit was.

Hill Country Bible Church arranged for me to meet with a counselor. At our first appointment I informed him I had about two weeks to get better, but if it could be done in one that would be ideal. Wayne, my counselor smiled and said, “Do you really think it’s healthy to put that kind of pressure on yourself?”

I was soon told I really needed to take some time off, some time to rest and recover, two weeks was not enough time to recover after living four years in such an intense environment with trauma after trauma. He knew I was not only dealing with the earthquake trauma but so many other things.

I was so frustrated with myself, I wanted to fix myself but nothing worked. I did not want to stay in Texas. I did not want to be in Canada. I knew I could not go back to Haiti yet. I was like a lost and crushed little girl who just wanted to be better, now!

Brad and Vanessa encouraged me to take as much time as I needed, the most important thing was for me to get better. I agreed to stay.

Wayne asked me to list the top 5 traumatic experiences I needed to deal with. He was surprised when I gave him my list and the earthquake was not #1. Maggie’s death was.

I found it fitting that the earthquake happened on the anniversary of Maggie’s death. Since the day Maggie died I had been carrying around this debilitating weight on my shoulders. I felt so guilty, I felt her death was my fault. She died while in my care. I failed her, I failed everyone. She was my responsibility. It should not have happened, I should have done more, I should have done something differently and maybe she would still be alive. I couldn’t grieve her death because every time I thought about her I was consumed with this guilt.

I have worked through the guilt in my counseling, it took a long time but I now feel like I can grieve her death in a healthy way. I thank God for the freedom from that guilt.

Eventually the counselor recommended that I meet with a psychologist. I was making progress but he felt there was more than just post trauma going on with me.

I filled out all these forms asking all sorts of things, like; Have I ever felt depressed for periods of time for no reason? Yeah, of course I have! How old were you the first time you remember feeling depressed? I could remember feeling depressed in grade 7 and 8. When I got into her office she read through my answers. She soon explained that it is not normal to feel depressed for no reason. I was shocked. I had no idea that was not normal. I thought everyone went through times of darkness, times of sadness with no apparent cause. I was completely stunned.

I was diagnosed with Major Recurring Depression. The doctor recommended I take antidepressants to help stabilize my serotonin levels and continue with my counseling.

I was not ok with this. I did not want to be labeled as “depressed”, I was terribly embarrassed by this. I did not want people to think I was weak and couldn’t just be ok. I didn’t want to be on medication, I just wanted to feel better. I did not want to be “depressed” the problem was that everything the doctor told me was true.

This was my rock bottom. I had no control anymore. I couldn’t stop the earth from shaking, I couldn’t bring Maggie back and now I couldn’t even control my emotions, I couldn’t make myself feel better. I was drowning and there was nothing I could do to get out. To say I was frustrated would be the understatement of the year.

It was there, in that dark place I started to ask myself some important questions.

Do I really believe that God is good?

I was so afraid of God at this point. I had always thought of God as a loving Father, as my protector and the person I could turn to when things fell apart.

Then the earth shook and so many people died all around me.

Could a God that allowed something like this to happen still be good?

I really had to wrestle through that, as I think we all have to at one time or another in our lives.

In the end I came to this conclusion: God’s plan for us is not a plan of destruction.

Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

The second question I had to ask myself was, do I trust God, really trust Him?

It is so easy to say that you trust God. The words slip off the tongue so easily, but trusting God with our minds and with our hearts are two totally different things.

I trusted God with my mind. I could talk the talk but when it came down to it did I really trust God with my heart? No.

I could say I trusted him all I wanted, it was the right thing to say, I knew that. But my life was spinning out of control. Nothing I was doing was working. Things were falling apart, I couldn’t do my job anymore, I was pulled away from my home, from my kids, and my work. I was losing control of my life…but then I realized maybe my life was spinning out of control because I wasn’t trusting God, I was trusting myself. I thought I had a plan. I wanted to fix myself. I thought I should be able to go back and be fine. I, I, I….there was no God in any of this. I had to let go and start trusting God.

It was them that I had to ask myself if I could let go and let God be in control.

Once I was able to trust in God it was a lot easier to quit trying to control everything. I recently spent a weekend at the lake with some friends. We went out on the boat and were water skiing and tubing. It was fun for those who were on the boat to watch the poor suckers getting beat up by the waves and hanging on for dear life hoping to not fly off or flip over.

Later on we anchored the boat and everyone cuddled up with a book or took a nap on the boat. Because I get sea sick I wasn’t able to stay on the boat. Instead I tied a little raft to the boat and laid out in the water.

When we try to control our own lives it’s like being on the tube, all we can do is hang on for dear life and hope we don’t get thrown off.

When we let God be in control it’s like the raft tied to the boat. I didn’t even have to worry about the rope or holding on, I just had to lay out and relax.

I finally was able to stop fighting God every step of the way. If I have to be in Texas and get counseling for a few months that’s fine, God has a plan. I already know it’s a plan for my own good and God has it all under control.

Do I want to be back in Haiti? Yes, of course I do, but I know it’s not yet time. There are things I need to work through, there are things I need to learn, and there is work that needs to be done in Texas. I am currently working on a few projects for Mission of Hope. These projects are things that have needed to be done for a long time, but we are all so busy there just isn’t time. Well, in Texas I have nothing BUT time.

I’m not happy with the fact that I suffer from depression, not at all, but to be honest it’s kind of relieving to know that I won’t have to deal with that kind of sadness off and on for the rest of my life. It’s freeing to know that it isn’t normal to feel sad like that.

I look forward to a life with less sadness and more smiles.

I know I am called to Haiti, to serve at the orphanage. My call has not changed. I just had to step away from Haiti it for a brief time to figure a few things out, to get some healing of my own so I can go back a better person. So I can be a better ‘mother’ to those 61 amazing children.

The Fear of God

2010-06-21T07:44:00.001-07:00

Do you fear God? When Pastor Tim (Pastor of Hill Country Bible Church here in Austin) asked this on Sunday morning my heart started pounding.

Do I fear God? YES! So much so that it makes trusting Him difficult. How can you not fear someone with the power to shake the earth?

The Bible says; God is love. God cares about us. God listens to us. God forgives us. God is watching over us. God knows the numbers of hairs on our heads. God knit us together in our mother’s wombs. God is like a big fluffy bear all sugar and spice and everything nice, right?? Read again, the Bible talks about the fear of God over and over and over and OVER AND OVER. (I’ve been noticing this a lot lately since I have this whole new awareness of what it means to fear the Lord.)

My new found fear of God has been really bothering me, I kept thinking it was a horrible thing to be afraid of God. I’m supposed to love God not be afraid of Him, right!?!?! RIGHT?!?!?!

Pastor Tim’s sermon on Sunday really opened my eyes, and has helped me so much. The fear of God I’ve been feeling, and the guilt I’ve been feeling as a result of this fear has been quite heavy on my mind. When Pastor Tim said, "It's a good thing to fear God", it definitely caught my attention.

I wrote this on the top of my bulletin: “It’s ok to fear God, it’s actually good to fear Him, because fearing Him is the beginning of Wisdom.”

It’s so easy to put God in this little box, to try to make God into whatever it is WE want Him to be. Well, that doesn’t always work. God is God, and God, God. He is not going to conform into what I WANT Him to be, instead He is going to continue revealing Himself, His true self, to me little by little.

God created the heavens and the earth. Every single thing comes from him. Does that sound like a God capable of fitting in a little box??

The earthquake scared the living daylights out of me, and millions of other people. I don’t know why it happened and don’t dare even attempt to understand it (my brain is just too small to conceive the bigger picture.) However, I have a new understanding of the GREATNESS and the POWER of God. The God I used to “know”, the God I squeezed into the box of what I understood Him to be has torn the box apart and given me a whole new understanding of His awesome power. My God can do ANYTHING!

Apparently the fear of God really can be the beginning of wisdom!

Writing from George Bush country

2010-05-21T12:56:00.001-07:00

It is due time for an update, this I know. I am very sorry it has taken me so long to write. It is not my intention to make you worry, it's just been a while since I've been in the mood to write.

I had a wonderful time with the Canadian team at Mission of Hope. Being surrounded by friends and family instantly lifts your spirit. Being with the kids helps too. Those kids are such a blessing, to so many people. Myself included. I love them with all my heart. I've said it before and I'll say it again, they are my life. I live for them, to teach them, to love them to support them and to help them smile. In return they teach me, love me, support me and help me smile.

Smiling has not been easy lately. I've been having a real hard time with everything. I've been exposed to so much pain and suffering over the years. It's been especially hard since Maggie passed away January 12th of last year. (One year, to the day, before the earthquake hit.)

I've been exposed to so much joy too. More than I ever imagined possible.

I am so blessed to be called to Haiti.

My updates have been few and far between lately because I am currently not in Haiti. On my trip to Texas, where I met with the trauma counselor it was recommended that I take a sabbatical. I am at the tail end of my fourth year in Haiti and have no plans of leaving (permanently) any time soon. It was time to take the time. I knew that I needed it. Time to rest, time to be restored.

It is so hard to be away, especially when there is so much going on, when there is so much need....but I also know that I want to be the best I can be for those kids and without a break, without this time of restoration I will only be giving a small fraction of myself.

I don't know when I'll be going back yet. I'm just taking it a day at a time. My time here has been amazing, I continue to meet with the counselor and am staying with an amazing family here. I am blessed beyond anything I ever imagined. God is good, all the time. In the midst of darkness His light shines brighter.

Thank you for your prayers, feel free to email me I have my computer with me.

Peace, love and restoration,

Rachel

What NOT to say to a missionary in Haiti

2010-04-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

People sometimes make strange comments when they find out I live in Haiti. Normally I just let them roll off my back, most of the time people don’t even know their comments are rude or inappropriate. The problem is I’m not quite there yet with earthquake comments. It’s all too fresh and all too traumatic. Eventually I’ll be able to let the, “It’s God’s judgment on the country.” comments and so on go…but right now they make me want to slap people!

This makes meeting new people a little awkward and slapping people is just not right. My momma taught me that!

The conversation usually goes a little something like this.

Blah blah blah…

Rachel: “It’s nice to meet you, too.”

Other person: “So what do you do?”

Rachel: “I’m a missionary in Haiti. I run an orphanage there.”

Other person says with HUGE smile on her face: “In Haiti!! Really?!? Wow! It’s so amazing what’s happened there. Praise the Lord!”

Rachel thinks to herself: What kind of crazy person are you? What part of hundreds of thousands of people dying and millions of people homeless is amazing?? What part of mass graves and amputees EVERYWHERE is great? I know people who died! I know people who were trapped inside fallen buildings! I know so many people who are homeless!!! What IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!! I don’t think I like you.

Rachel: “Um…what exactly do you mean?!?”

Other person: “The earthquake! It’s so amazing. How great that so many people have come to know the Lord.”

Rachel: “Yeah, that part is great.”

Rachel thinks: I have GOT TO get away from Other Person!!

Rachel: “Do you know where the washroom is?”

The Welcoming Commitee

2010-04-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

I wasn’t sure I wanted to get out of bed this morning. I had the worst sleep in my life thanks to an insane cat who just couldn’t keep quiet. She woke me up 7 times last night. SEVEN TIMES!!

Things started to look up once I finally was able to convince myself to crawl out of bed and get into the shower. The day got better as time went on. My parents along with Larry and Sue (from my church) have been painting up a storm in my apartment and it is really starting to look great!

Plus my good friend Nalize was released from the hospital today. She was in a very bad motorcycle accident a few weeks ago. Praise the Lord we had the surgery suite up and running and a group of surgeons just “happened” to be in country the day of the accident. Coincidence? I think not! She broke her leg both above and below the knee. She also broke her wrist and split her lip wide open in two places. Her wrist was able to be reset without requiring surgery her leg however was not so lucky. She truly is lucky to be alive!!

Nalize lives in the village of Simonette, which is a ways off the main (paved) road. It’s really only a few miles away but it takes a good 15 or 20 minutes to get there since the roads are so rough. It took double that today since I had to drive so slowly to keep her leg from bouncing around. I’m so thankful for my pickup truck, once again the truck bed has come in handy. The truck has been used to transport patients around MOH a number of times since the earthquake, today was the first time I drove off campus with someone sprawled out in the truck bed. As we drove into Simonette down the only road through the village people were excited to see Nalize coming home. As we got closer and closer to her parents property a parade of people started to form around the truck. By the time I backed the truck into their yard a few hundred people had shown up to greet Nalize and welcome her home. It was amazing to see the whole village come out to welcome her.

My parents came along for the ride and my Dad did a fantastic job of entertaining some of the welcoming party. My Dad is the kind of guy who is loved internationally. All it takes is a smile and some dance moves to get people to like you around here!

The ride back home was almost as much fun as our afternoon out. Mom and Dad enjoyed the cool breeze and a bottle of water as we rode home.

Peace, love and parents!

Rachel

Hope in the air

2010-04-20T20:38:00.002-07:00

I recently spent two weeks in Austin, Texas. I think I may have watched Micheal Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11 one too many times as the picture I had in my mind was quite different than what I actually encountered. I pictured American flags on every house and George Bush bobble heads on the dashboard of every vehicle in addition to the standard, “God Bless America!” bumper sticker. I also pictured guns, lots of guns. Austin was so far from what I had imagined I was actually quite embarrassed!

The time I spent in Austin was multi-purposed. I was able to spend some time at Dell Children’s Hospital with the abandoned Haitian boy we were able to get a medical visa for a few days earlier. I was also able to catch up on some much needed sleep and lastly, but probably most importantly I was able to meet with a counselor to do some much needed debriefing, after the earthquake.

It was a strange thing to spend the day doing nothing really, far away from the rubble.

I experienced some major culture shock on this trip. I wandered aimlessly through department stores amazed that you could find everything and anything imaginable all in one store, and all just a quick drive away. I felt guilty just hanging out with friends, enjoying the evening, knowing my dear friends in Haiti were not so lucky. I had a hard time being in enclosed spaces with large groups of people and found myself constantly checking the walls and ceilings for cracks and always made sure I knew exactly where the exits were.

The earthquake has affected me in ways I had not realized.

I find it hard to believe it’s been over three months already. It feels like it was years ago but yesterday. The fear has decreased but not subsided. We’re not in “emergency mode” anymore, which is good. We’re now looking toward the future, pacing ourselves now instead of running. We’re moving from emergency care to long-term thinking.

After three months off, school has finally restarted at Mission of Hope and all other schools still standing firm. This means the kids are getting back into a regular routine which is great. The boys, however, are back living in tents since the school building is no longer available to us.

We’re hoping to finish the construction of the new orphanage buildings we had started pre-earthquake as soon as possible so the kids can get out of the tents and back inside.

The warehouse is still a buzz of activity every day as containers of aid come almost daily. We are still providing food to thousands daily as well as water and shelter.

A prosthetic clinic has been set up at our clinic and is starting to see patients. How exciting that we will be able to provide new limbs right here on campus!

The Canadian team here now, from Falls View BIC church, is heading to Source Matlas tomorrow to start construction on the first of many houses to be built by Mission of Hope post earthquake.

There is hope in the air. The rebuilding is about to begin!

Peace, love and brand new crack free walls!

Rachel

The Karate Kid

2010-04-20T20:38:00.001-07:00

My Mom and Dad are here along with Leanne, my best friend, my favourite pastor John Fraser and his beautiful wife Cathy and about 50 other Canadians.

My house is a huge mess of suitcases, mattresses, water bottles and paint cans. It’s a beautiful thing.

I love having my parents here, they are amazing, super fun and on top of all that helpful. I’ve been writing out a “Daddy do” list for a few months now, making sure I keep him busy while he’s here: painting, hanging mirrors, putting up a wall in my bedroom so I will have a closet and building a dog house for Kinzie (my dog). My mom taught me how to make bread yesterday, which turned out delicious, and also helped wash down the cupboards getting them ready for a fresh coat of paint.

Movie night this week was so much fun!! The kids love having them here too. My Dad brought my guitar down to the orphanage on for movie night and while the boys set up the projector he sang some songs with the kids. It was so much fun and the kids LOVED it! I don’t usually let the kids watch fighting movies but I saw a copy of the Karate Kid on sale a while back and couldn’t resist. I am so glad I got it because watching them watch it was more fun than watching the movie itself. The kids were gasping and clapping and jumping out of their seats the whole time. At the very end, when the good guy wins the kids all jumped up and were cheering and shouting and hooting and hollering. Of course as soon as the credits started to roll they all started practicing their karate moves on each other. When I told them there is a new Karate Kid coming out with Jackie Chan (who they love) they clapped even more asking, “Can we watch it next week??”

Have a great Sunday!

Peace, love and family,

Rachel

The growing family: Part 3

2010-04-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

The boys were both waiting by the side of the road for me the next afternoon. I walked with them along the narrow path to their home to pick up their things and to say their goodbyes. The boys were bouncing with excitement.

The Hope House kids were waiting for us when we pulled in. Our kids seemed to be just as excited as the boys were!

Once the boys had been seen their rooms, met their ‘mommies’, had some lunch and had been introduced to the kids and the rest of the staff I brought them into the supply depot to give them a few things. I started with a pair of sandals each. Green flip flops for Iverson and blacks Crocs with purple straps for Galaxon. They were beaming. I said, "Ok, now we need to find you boys some running shoes." They looked at each other and giggled. After trying on a few pairs they were both happy with their new running shoes. Moving on down my list I told them, "Next we need to find you boys some church shoes." Iverson, wide eyed and bursting with curiosity practical yelled, "After you give us church shoes what will we get?!" I laughed out loud and said, "Underwear!" Galaxon jumped in the conversation then asking, "And after underwear will we get more stuff?" It was so much fun watching their reactions as I happily informed them, "You'll be getting all sorts of things today! Shorts, jeans, dress pants, t-shirts, dress shirts, long sleeved shirts and probably even pajamas!"

Have I mentioned yet how much I love what I do? These boys have been through the wringer. They’ve experienced more pain and loss than many of us will endure in our entire lives. How exciting that that changes now; these boys now have hope, they have a bright future now. I thank God for choosing these boys. I thank God that we always have room for one more, somehow even when we have long ago claimed to be “full” there is always room for more.

Praise God for blessing us with two more children.

Peace, love and an always-growing family,

Rachel

The growing family: Part 2

2010-03-27T14:29:00.001-07:00

Once the decision was made that the boys needed our help I brought them in for medical exams. Our doctor thoroughly checked them out, and ordered some blood work, testing for a number of things including HIV. I was relieved to hear that other than a bit of a cold and a possible (easily treatable) parasite they were given a clean bill of health. I was even more relieved when I got their test results and saw ‘HIV: negative’ written on both their papers.

The next day I asked the boys and their grandmother to come to the mission. I brought the grandmother into my office and explained that we would be willing to take the boys into the orphanage if she was willing. “Praise the Lord!” was all she could say. I filled out the paperwork and then asked her to sign the papers. Looking at the floor she told me she couldn’t write her name. I assured her this would not be a problem as she was not the first person to sign a Hope House entry form with a squiggly “t” instead of a signature.

I then had the boys come in and explained to them that they would be coming to live at the Hope House. They looked at each other as smiles stretched over both their faces. “When?” was all they wanted to know since they both knew all about the orphanage from living in the area.

I told them I would be picking them up the next day just after noon.

The growing family: Part 1

2010-03-26T18:52:00.003-07:00

Part of my job at the orphanage is investigating prospective children’s current circumstances; to find out if the child really is in need, to see if the story we were told about the child’s circumstance is accurate and to see the condition in which the child is currently living. When I went to investigate Galaxon and Iverson’s story I knew right away that these boys were in need. Their home had been destroyed in the earthquake; all the walls had crumbled, only a few wooden posts and the doorways remained, which amazingly enough were holding up the roof. The children had been living inside the building with a few extended family members. In the front yard was another house, made of cardboard, tarps and sticks where their grandparents, their caregivers, were living.

Their father passed away a few years ago. They had been living with their mother, a faithful member of our church, until just a few weeks ago when she too passed away. From what I have heard of their mother’s illness I highly suspect AIDS was the cause of her death, but cannot be sure. People here don’t like to talk about HIV/AIDS. If someone does have the disease they keep it extremely quiet. It would be very difficult to find anyone willing to admit that they knew someone who had died of the disease, even though Haiti is in 28th place for highest HIV/AIDS population in the world.

There are many degrees of poverty. This is something I never gave much thought to before moving to Haiti. I just assumed if you’re poor you’re poor. This, however, is not the case. In Haiti the degree of poverty can be based on many things, for example; the number of meals one might eat in a week, whether or not a person owns a pair of shoes without holes or the amount of water which leaks into a house when it rains. In our area pretty much everyone is living in poverty, but living amongst the poor are the poorest of the poor. The grandparents of these boys would definitely fall into this category. There is no way they were able to feed the boys on a regular basis, let alone feed themselves.

I knew we needed to take the boys in.

Gross, gross, gross!!

2010-03-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

I can handle mice.
I can handle rats.
I can handle lizards.
I can handle cockroaches.
I can handle snakes.
I can handle tarantulas.
I can handle flying green leaf shaped bugs that smell funny.

I can handle a lot more than your average woman, with two minor exceptions: Dead things and Haitian frogs.

I can kill a mouse, a cockroach, a snake or a tarantula without fear, but once it's dead I'm not going near it! A lizard on my bedroom wall doesn't faze me, but a dead one in the closet makes me run for the door. Strange I know...but dead things just freak me out!

Haitian frogs on the other hand have me running around screaming like a scared little girl. I specify Haitian frogs because Canadian frogs have never really bothered me, except that one time in grade 8 when Ben Lanteigne kicked a frog and it came flying right for my face! Haitian frogs are a whole other ball game. They are the kind of frogs you would see in the Toronto zoo. They always look wet and slimy and have giant suction cup toes. You never see them until they're like a foot from your face, and they always wait until you don't think they're going to do anything to jump right at you! They're just so unpredictable. I hate them, I really do. Especially after what just happened.

I'm trying my best not to throw up as I write this. Gross. Gross. Gross. I went down to make sure the hose has been shut off properly in my front yard just a few minutes ago. I noticed that the hose had a bit of a kink in it and reached out to fix it. Big mistake. Something wet hit me in the face. I thought the hose had somehow sprayed me, but then I felt something wet and heavy land on my shoulder. When I turned my head the nasty ball of frog slim jumped off in the other direction. It was in that moment I realized what had just happened and I started to scream. A nasty slimy frog had just smacked me in the face, landed on my shoulder long enough to leave a muddy foot print and jumped off into the wilderness. Gross. Gross. Gross.

I've already washed it off twice, but I am thinking I need to go and scrub my face with sandpaper or something. Gross. Gross. Gross. Oh, I really hate Haitian frogs!!

Peace, love and grossness,

Rachel

Rain, rain go away!

2010-03-26T17:25:00.002-07:00

I want to live a life that matters. I don’t want to waste it.

There is a Dave Matthews song that says, “I can’t believe that we would lie in our graves dreaming of things that we might have done.” I love that song.

When I reach the end of my life I don’t want to look back and think about the things I should have done, things I would have done or things I could have done. At the end of my life I want to look back and think, “I wouldn’t have changed a thing! It was hard at times, but it was worth it!”

There are always a million reasons NOT to do things and sometimes only a handful of reasons TO DO them, especially things that aren’t easy, but it’s the hard things that really make life worth living.

Do I like earthquakes? No, absolutely not, but I am thankful I was here to experience it, to live through it and to support my Haitian brothers and sisters during this time of extreme need!

After a wonderful week away and a few days shared in Haiti with my sister I am jumping back in.

Please keep Haiti in your prayers. Their struggles are far from over. Rainy season is upon us, it poured rain all night last night and most of the day today. There are hundreds of thousands of people living in make-shift tents all over the country, tents made of sticks and sheets. Tents that are far from waterproof.

Peace, love and prayers for a very dry rainy season,

Rachel

So long, farewell!

2010-03-26T17:25:00.001-07:00

I woke up at 4:50 this morning, but this time I woke up that early on purpose!

After 51 days of earthquake madness and no time off I am officially going on vacation. In about 5 minutes a car is picking me up to take me to the bus station. I will them hop on a bus to the Dominican Republic where I will meet up with my new friend Kirsten (who I met through Earthquake relief work here). After a night of watching The Office and sleeping inside, in a real bed, I will be up and on my way to the airport. A few hours in the air and I will be in Orlando, Florida where John and Cathy (my favourite pastor and his beautiful wife), Leanne (my bff), Terry and Henry (her awesome hubby and baby) and I will all gather for what I'm assuming will be a cry fest, for the first few minutes anyway!

Oh yes, vacation. No responsibility, no aftershocks, no tents...just shopping malls, SUSHI and sleeping.

peace, love and VACATION!

Rachel

A very random update

2010-03-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

I’m feeling much better today. I still hate earthquakes, there just isn’t any getting around that, but my hostility has diminished greatly. I’ve moved back into a tent, so I’ve been sleeping much better. There have been a few smaller earthquakes since the two 4.7 ones in a row, but nothing to write home about.
In bigger and brighter news; we got a new baby. His name is Smider and he is awesome! He is the sweetest little thing, just teeny tiny and so incredibly adorable. He’s as small as a newborn but is actually a few months old so he can giggle and smile. I just love him to pieces.
The Hope House kids have been so amazing since the earthquake. The boys have been working in the warehouse everyday, loading vehicles with food for distribution, unloading containers and helping sort items. The girls have been washing sheets for the clinic, feeding all the pre and post op patients daily and we have both girls and boys working as interpreters at the clinic and hospital. It’s amazing to see their willingness and eagerness to help. I am so proud of them, they are really blossoming into beautiful people.

The best news of all, and sorry that this news is coming to you a week late, my nearest and dearest Haitian friends, Patris and Rosemonde Aristome were blessed with beautiful, healthy baby girl. Her name is Nehemie and she is the most perfect and precious little being I have ever laid eyes on. (The attached picture is of Nehemie the day she was born.)
Lastly, please be praying for us as we will be hiring a new supervisor at the orphanage very soon! It’s so important that we find the “right person” for the job as this person will be a huge influence on the kids, will work closely with our current staff and because I will be working very closely with him or her daily!

Peace, love and babies!

Rachel

My Motivation

2010-03-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

From the book of Matthew chapter 25.

31"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

Psalm 5:12 For surely, O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favour as a shield.

Oh Lord, please surround Haiti with your favour as a shield.

Earthquake I hate you!

2010-03-26T17:19:00.003-07:00

I hate this earthquake, I hate it with passion. I was just shaken out of bed yet AGAIN. I thought the daily fear was over with, I thought we were past this. Since the 4.7 quake yesterday morning everyone is on edge all over again. I hate this. I hate being tired all day because I’m too scared to sleep. I hate constantly feeling the earth shake even when it’s not. I want this to be over. I need this to be over.

I was not injured in the earthquake, I was not buried for hours waiting for someone to find me, I did not lay next to people taking their last breath as they called for help. I did not experience any of these horrors and I’m this scared. I cannot imagine what they go through every time their beds shake. I can’t imagine how much harder their hearts beat with every quiver.

My reaction changes with each tremor. I’m moving from fear to anger, or somewhere in between. At first the only thing we could feel was terror but now that terror is marinated in pure rage. I am sitting here typing this with a pillow on my head, to protect me just incase my cement ceiling falls on me I suppose, ready to fight. If this earthquake was a person I would punch him right between the eyes.

Earthquake I hate you.

Rachel

Early morning update

2010-03-26T17:19:00.001-07:00

I really hope today is the last day I am shaken out of bed in the wee hours of the morning by yet another tremor. It wasn’t a huge one, but enough to wake me up and send me running for the door. Of course there is no way to relax enough afterwards to fall back asleep so I was up as of 4 something this morning. But here I am FINALLY getting around to writing an update, so I guess it’s not all in vain. I really am sorry I’m not consistent. I know I’ve waited too long between updates when I start getting worried emails wondering if everything is ok.

We’re trying our best to settle into the new normal, but the new normal is kind of chaotic. The Hope House kids are out of the tents, praise the Lord, but they’re not all in one building, they’re kind of scattered across the property, which makes things a little crazy.

Schools have not reopened across the whole country. The government originally said the schools still standing would re-open end of March beginning of April but have since taken that back because they need to check all the schools to give approval to open, a very good thing! I’ve seen two story buildings with HUGE cracks being repaired by just filling the holes in with cement and painting it over. I’m not a structural engineer but that just doesn’t seem safe.

All the hospitals I’ve seen are tent cities and still full of patients, the majority of which are amputees.

Our clinic is still running an operating room out of the lab, and our high school is still being used as a post-op care ward. There are still people coming in who have been waiting since the day of the earthquake for surgery!

Our warehouse is the center of the action as transport trucks are bringing in containers of food and supplies almost every day. The line up of trucks loading up food for distribution is almost never ending as well. Mission of Hope has provided over 3 million meals since the earthquake. It’s amazing to see all that has been done.

My next big project is about to begin. I have 17 women coming in for job interviews this morning. Sparrows Home is partnering with Mission of Hope to bring in injured children, mainly amputees, who have been orphaned by the earthquake. We will be taking them in, providing medical care and loving on them while Sparrows Home works on getting them medical visas in the United States. They have loving families ready and waiting to take in these children.

We are ready to take in 24 children immediately, but will eventually be able to take in over 50 children at a time. I have a feeling I will soon have a new understanding of the word exhausted, but each smiling face will make it all worth while. I can’t believe how blessed I have been to be able to be a part of Haiti’s new beginning as I’m calling it. Out of the ashes comes HOPE, out of the rubble comes a new life, a second chance. Every day since January 12th is a bonus and each one of us who lived needs to make sure we live each day with purpose, and with that I will leave you. It is time to start another day.

Peace, love and another chance at life,

Rachel

Found

2010-03-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

Rose Milaine has so quickly become a part of our family. Laughing and playing with the kids, helping with chores, following the Mommies around and coming over to greet me with her cute crooked smile each time I come into the orphanage.

I really didn’t know how Rose Milaine’s story would end. Finding her family would not be easy, I knew that from the beginning. Just registering her with UNICEF was a week long challenge and they said it could take up to a year or more to find any living family members. On top of all that we didn’t even know if her family was alive as their town was hit hard by the quake.

So, when her aunt showed up this morning I was emotionally unprepared, I didn’t think she would be leaving us so soon. I had envisioned her being with us for months and had already put her in the category of, ‘one of my kids’. Of course I was so excited for her family, not only were they alive but they were able to find their precious Rose Milaine so quickly (through someone at the Hospital where we found her).

After we interviewed the aunt and Rose Milaine, photocopied identification, and signed the appropriate forms it was time to release Rose Milaine to her aunt. I brought her to the orphanage to pack her bag and say goodbye to the kids and staff. I rang the bell for the kids to come and say goodbye. Tears started to stream down Rose Milaine’s face as I told the kids that she would be leaving and it might be a long time before we saw her again. The kids, staff and I gathered around her and prayed over her before they took turns saying their goodbyes and giving her one last hug. Rose Milaine was not the only one with wet eyes, as many of the children and Mommies had become close with her since she came.

As I drove her to the front gate I asked her if she was excited to see her aunt, she nodded saying she loved her aunt very much. I then asked her why she was crying to which she replied, “I really like it here. I don’t want to leave.”

It was bitter sweet for the both of us. We had all fallen in love with Rose Milaine and were happy to call her our own, but a child should be with their family whenever possible, especially a family that loves them and cares for them like her aunt obviously does. I told her aunt that Rose Milaine was welcome to come and visit anytime and she promised she would bring her by from time to time.

I hugged Rose Milaine one last time and through her tears she choked out the most sincere thank you I have heard in a while. I was reminded in that moment why I am here, why I have given up the comfort and luxury of life in Canada. Moments like these make all the sacrifices worthwhile. What a great blessing to have been a part of this young girl’s life, even if it was just for three weeks. I hope we will have left a lasting impact on her for years to come.

Peace & love,

Rachel

Sweet sleep

2010-03-26T17:05:00.000-07:00

Today is officially the best day ever. I forgot what it felt like to get a good night’s sleep. My bed, my sweet bed, is so unbelievably comfortable, and I forgot how the hum of a fan soothes a tired mind. Add freshly washed sheets and pillow cases and you have heaven on earth!

After the earthquake I spent a week sleeping in my truck, or not sleeping at all, depending on the day. Our staff housing building was checked out and deemed structurally sound after the quake, but it took me 7 days to work up the courage to sleep inside again. Just my luck, the day I get the guts to sleep inside again was the same day we had the major aftershock and I woke up with the bed shaking and glasses crashing. That was enough to put me over the edge. I decided that morning I would officially be moving into the tents with the kids.
This past Monday I had a family meeting with the kids and ‘mommies’, the title we give all our live in caregivers, and told them Friday we would be sleeping inside again. I knew they would need fare warning to mentally prepare themselves. I told them that the boys and babies would be moving into the school building right across from the orphanage and the girls would be moving back into their dorm.
Yesterday we worked hard all day moving the boys bunk bends and lockers into the school building. By the end of the day all the boys were really looking forward to sleeping in their beds again. The girls were not so much, so we gave them an extra night in the tents. We will be moving them back in today.

I was nervous all day, but was determined to sleep inside once again, knowing that the longer I waited the harder it would be. Before I crawled into bed I made sure my escape route was clear. I left my front door and bedroom door open, I pushed the kitchen chairs in tight to the table, to keep the path to the door clear. I carefully choose my sleeping attire, in case I had to run outside in the middle of the night and finally crawled into bed. As I lay there staring at the crack in my ceiling I felt the bed shaking. Knowing it was all in my head, and determined to stick it out I rolled over and let exhaustion take over.
I woke up bright and early this morning feeling great! Having a safe and comfortable place to sleep is something I have taken for granted my whole life! I feel completely renewed and energized this morning!

I hope some day soon my Haitian friends will be able to enjoy a good night’s rest indoors.

Peace, love and fluffy pillows,

Rachel

In the darkness of night

2010-03-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

It’s easy during the day to keep focused on the tasks at hand. There is so much going on, so many people receiving medical care, food, water and shelter. The days are filled with HOPE and blessing. Everywhere you look people are beginning to heal, are beginning to move forward. Each day is a new blessing, and a new opportunity. There is so much good going on during the day that it’s easy to forget about the death and the destruction. There is no time during the day to even think about the trauma we’ve experienced.

It’s different at night. When it’s quiet I can’t help but think about the things I’ve experienced; the screaming, the crying, the mourning, the blank stares, the desperation, the destruction and worst of all the scent of death.

I wake up constantly throughout the night. At first it was from the tremors, then it was from nightmares of tremors. But now my nightmares have evolved into something much more disturbing. I wake up at night surrounded by an air so heavy with the scent of death it almost chokes me. Sometimes it’s so strong I can taste it. I lay there waiting for reality to kick in and for the thick air to become clear again. I wish I didn’t know what death smells like.

When the sun rises in the morning I welcome it with open arms. I am overjoyed each morning to once again be surrounded by the light of hope.

Please continue to pray for Haiti as we take the first steps towards healing.

Peace & love,

Rachel

Abandoned: Part 1

2010-02-02T05:43:00.001-08:00

It happened quickly, it happened quietly and before you knew it the men were gone. Security opened the front gate to see what the motorcycle was doing just as it was pulling away into the darkness. As he turned back around to close the gate he noticed something in the shadows. As he leaned in he was startled to see the face of a little boy looking up at him. He grabbed his radio and called up to the hospital telling them to send someone down right away, there was an injured boy abandoned at the front gate.

I got the call a few minutes later, jumped in my truck and made my way down to the clinic. I was not prepared for what I was about to see. I walked into the clinic and took a quick look around. Sitting on a mattress on the floor was a scared little boy clinging for dear life in Heather’s arms, one of our medical volunteers. When he turned his head toward me I did my best not to gasp, the first thing I noticed was his eye. Swollen, oozing and misshaped his eye dropped painfully. His other eye looked damaged but not nearly as bad. The next thing I noticed were the scars, his entire face was covered with what seemed to be burn scars, the rest of his body was covered in strange bumps, which appeared to be a mixture of moles and scars. I sat down next to him and introduced myself, told him he was safe now and that I was going to be his friend. He turned his head towards me to get a better look, he quickly snuggled back into Heather’s neck but raised his fist to give me a “fist bump”, which in Haiti is a sign of friendship.

The doctors checked him out, said his eye was most likely beyond repair and gave him some eye drops and an antibiotic. They told us to get him to an ophthalmologist as soon as possible and said there really wasn’t anything more they could do, since many of his injuries were not resent. Heather, the boy and I sat quietly for quite a while trying to absorb what had just happened. That’s when the questions started running through my mind; What horrific things had this boy been through? Where did he come from? How could his parents just drop him off and drive away? I had to stop myself.

Who was I to assume the worst? Maybe his parents had died in the earthquake and he had been found by a kind stranger who knew Mission of Hope would love this boy, even when no one else would. He needs love now more than ever!

Three Canadian Flags

2010-01-29T17:41:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I spent a large part of the day at the airport. It’s kind of hard to tell where the airport begins and ends these days since it’s also serving as home to many aid organizations, media groups and army bases.

As we drove through the maze of tents and across the runway we stumbled upon a sad scene; three metal caskets placed side by side each carefully covered with a Canadian flag. You might think that after being surrounded by death and destruction for 18 days a few caskets wouldn’t bother me, but you would be wrong. It was like a slap in the face. Just a few feet away lay the remains of my brothers and sisters; fellow Canadians who were most likely in Haiti to help those in need, to serve their fellow man, to try and make a difference in the lives of those less fortunate.

In those caskets lay the remains of people like me.

I knew that I could have died in the earthquake, we all could have, but seeing those caskets made it real.

I am beginning to understand now that it is by the grace of God that I am still here. Thank you to anyone who has ever said a prayer of protection over me, over Mission of Hope. Your prayers very well may have saved my life.

Update

2010-01-29T17:40:00.000-08:00

Once again I’m not sure where to begin. It’s been a while since I’ve written and so much has happened: Our day clinic has been transformed into a Hospital with a 24 hour operating room. Our high school building has been transformed into a post-op care facility. This afternoon we had a number of helicopters land in the field next to the clinic transporting patients from the General Hospital who are in desperate need of surgery. The Hope House Orphanage kids and I are still sleeping in tents. I’m working on getting some large army tents for the boys since their wing is badly damaged (we’ll eventually move the girls back in). Rose Milaine has been registered as a displaced person with Unicef, but so far we have not heard anything. She has made lots of friends and is fitting in well at the Hope House. We have been doing food and water distributions everyday, well over a million meals have been distributed in the past 2 and a half weeks. Our guest house is being referred to as “Woodstock” as the field next door keeps filling up with tents of volunteers, a small boy was abandoned at the front gate and in the midst of all that I spent 36 hours in Florida picking up supplies for the orphanage!

I miss sleeping.

Peace & love,

Rachel

Get involved

2010-01-29T17:39:00.000-08:00

So many of you have been writing, wondering what you can do to get involved in the work going on here in Haiti. I thought it would be a good idea to send out an note for everyone with a few different ways you can get involved.

As a missionary with Mission of Hope I am responsible to raise all my own support. I depend on monthly donors and special contributions to be able to continue my work with the children of Haiti. I am still over $6000 behind in my budget this year. Please consider becoming a part of my support team.

To donate please send your (tax deductible) donation to:

Rachel Montgomery c/o
Falls View BIC
7189 Drummond Rd
Niagara Falls, ON
L2H 4P7
Canada

Checks should be written to: ‘Falls View BIC’ and please write ‘Rachel-Haiti’ on the memo line.

Mission of Hope is doing amazing things in Haiti, year round, but especially in the aftermath of the earthquake. Please visit our website at www.mohhaiti.org to donate online.

Email me any questions you have about getting involved!

I will be writing more soon.

Rachel

A Rude Awakening

2010-01-29T17:38:00.000-08:00

I was sleeping so soundly when the bed started shaking. I threw the sheets off and sat up in bed, waiting to see if I needed to run. The shaking didn't stop, instead it got stronger. I ran to Rose Milaine's bedside and shook her awake as gently and calmly as I could. All I said was, "We need to get out." and she was up. Hand in hand we ran out of the house and down the stairs. The house was still shaking when we got down to the patio.

I wish the aftershocks could be done with. We need to be moving on, moving away from fear, moving away from being on edge and the verge on panic at all times. We need the earth to stand still again.

We're all ok, our houses are still standing but our nerves are wearing thin.

Please pray that the earth would stop shaking!

Rachel

She's alive

2010-01-20T06:36:00.001-08:00

Rose Milaine has been through the unimaginable. She’s a quiet 13 year old with scared eyes and shrugged shoulders, she looks defeated and for good reason. A week ago Rose Milaine was sitting in her classroom, located on the second floor of a six story building when the earth quake hit. The building came crashing down on top of her and her classmates; they were trapped. For the next 13 hours Rose Milaine waited, sometimes screaming, sometimes crying and sometimes calling out to her friends in other classes. The building’s remains shook violently throughout the night from many aftershocks.

Wednesday morning someone was able to smash through a piece of the concrete., creating an opening large enough for the children to crawl through. Rose Milaine and some of her classmates were able to squeeze through the hole, and find freedom from their concrete prison. She escaped with a large gash on her chin and a badly banged face and head. Her family was not waiting for her when she was rescued. She was on her own.

The next few days are a bit of a mystery, alone, injured and on the streets she somehow wound up outside a Hospital in Port au Prince. I’m not sure how she got there, or how long she was there exactly, but from what I gather it had been a few days at least.

Mission of Hope sent a team of doctors to the Hospital to help. One of the doctors on the team heard about this little girl, all alone trying to scrounge up food and a safe place to sleep and had to do something, so he brought her back to Mission of Hope.

I headed up to the guesthouse as soon as I heard. There I found this scared little girl sitting, staring at the wall. I introduced myself, told her she was safe now and that I was going to take care of her. She was very quiet at first, with a far off blank look in her eyes. She had obviously been through the unimaginable. I brought up some hot water and ran her a bath. Next I started to take out her braids and brush through her hair so it could be washed. It was obvious that her braids had not been taken out since the day of the quake. There was a lot of dust and debris hidden in her braids. I noticed one section of hair was especially stiff and as I brushed through a reddish dust covered my hand. Rose Milaine’s head wasn’t cut so it took a moment to realize that the dust was actually dried blood. The blood must have belonged to someone else.

I’ve been able to keep myself together for the most part, but I knew I was going to break down at any moment. I brought her into the bathroom, showed her where everything was and told her to call for me if she needed anything. As soon as the door was closed the tears started falling, and for the first time since the quake I let them. I wept for her, for the things she’s seen and the things she’d been through. I wept for the children like her, who are walking the streets waiting for someone to rescue them, I wept for the families searching for their children, thinking they are dead when they’re not! I gave myself a few minutes and then quickly pulled myself together. I didn’t want to be a mess when she was finished with her bath.

Rose Milaine came out of the bathroom a different person. It was almost as though the warm water had washed away some of her pain. There was a little life in her eyes. I gave her some rice and bean sauce which she ate quickly and quietly. Her answers to my questions became two and three word answers instead of the mumbled yes or no she had been giving me earlier.

I put a movie on for her. At first she watched quietly laying on the couch, but then about half way through I heard her giggle. Then to my surprise she started talking. I turned the movie off and listened as she told me about her Aunt and cousins, about sneaking out to watch TV when she was supposed to be washing the dishes. She laughed as she told her stories. A little later still she started talking about the earthquake. She talked about the other children who were trapped with her, she told me lots of the children died. She didn’t tell me how she got to the hospital, or what she did in those in-between days, but that’s ok. When she’s ready, I’ll be here.

Today we’re going to try to find her family. There is a chance they might be alive still. We’re going to do everything we can to find them and let them know that Rose Milaine is ALIVE!

Rachel

Hope

2010-01-19T06:05:00.001-08:00

I wonder if the ground really is shaking right now. I definitely feel it shaking, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that is it.

I’ve been sitting here for almost an hour trying over and over to find the right words, to find a way to express what I’m feeling. The words don’t come. I’m numb. I don’t know what to feel right now. Driving through the streets of my beloved Haiti broke me, crushed me. This country I love so much is destroyed. The people I would give my life for are hurting, are crying out for help, are laying in front of the broken hospitals dying, their broken bodies dumped on the side of the road along with the rubble. Each body is someone’s someone, we can’t forget that.

The need is so great and each day that passes more will die. Infection is setting in the wounds of those who lived. A sea of green infected bandages flows in front of the hospital gates. The mass graves will soon be overflowing.

Somehow, in all of this there is HOPE. Each person who lived has a real understanding that it’s by the Grace of God they are still here. Each person pulled out from under a collapsed building or fallen wall comes out waving their arms saying, ‘Mesi Bondye’ (Thank you God).

Our church was over flowing on Sunday, standing room only. Twenty-three Hope House kids were saved this Sunday and many more from the surrounding villages! People are seeing God through the dust cloud.

Romans 8:28 says, ‘We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.’ God is a miracle worker and can take the most horrific circumstance, like this one, and use it for good. I just need to trust Him, trust that He is loving us in this madness.

There is a song by Chris Tomlin I can’t get out of my head called God of This City

You’re the God of this city,
You’re the King of these people,
You’re the Lord of this Nation.
You’re the light in this darkness,
You’re the hope to the hopeless,
You’re the peace to the restless.
There is no one like our God.

For greater things have yet to come,
and greater things are still to be done in this city.

I believe this song was written for Haiti, and am choosing to believe that greater things are still to be done in this city.

Peace & love,

Rachel

Crush

2010-01-18T15:30:00.001-08:00

I found out today at my grocery store crush died. I didn’t know him, really. I’ve just had a crush on him since my first trip to the Caribbean grocery store three and a half years ago. He was beautiful; tall, dark and handsome as they say. He gave me discounts sometimes, but now he’s gone.

It’s silly I know. I didn’t know him, but he was a part of my life. He was a part of my trips in to town. That store was a part of my life. The ladies at the money counter, the bag boys and meat counter guys, they were all a part of my life.

But everything has changed now. The Haiti I once knew is no more.

Today is going to be a very hard day. I have not left the mission grounds since the earthquake hit on Tuesday. I have not seen the extent of what has happened. I know it’s bad, real bad, but I have yet to see it with my own eyes. Today that is going to change as we are heading into the city to do our first of many medical clinic and food distributions. I am so glad I am able to be a part of this, I’m so glad I’m able to do something, but if I’m totally honest I’m scared to death. Today this all becomes real. Today my eyes will be opened to the fact that the country I have come to love as my own is in ruin, and the people I love so dearly are hurting beyond what I could even imagine.

Please be praying for our team today. We are all running on empty at this point emotionally and physically, pray for renewed strength and compassion. Pray also for our safety. Please pray that the love of Jesus will shine bright tomorrow in this sea of despair.

Thank you for you love and for your prayers,

Rachel

Good news

2010-01-18T15:29:00.000-08:00

I have some great news to share. I heard this morning that Bildad’s sister (who I mentioned in last night’s email) was found and she is ALIVE! Praise the Lord! I don’t know all the details since I have not seen Bildad yet today, but word on the street is she somehow made it out of the school and they found her in a hospital. I’ll know more when I see him, but I wanted to share the good news with you right away!

Other great news – I have a tent city almost finished for the Hope House kids to move into tonight. There are 8 tents set up and pegged in! I just have to put the rain covers on and maybe see if I can find another tent or two. It’s been a long and exhausting morning, but after seeing the children shivering so bad last night I had to figure something out and the kids are way too scared to move inside any building. They said they would rather sleep outside again. I thought it would be a good idea to put the tents up in the shade, but they kids wanted the tents far away from everything, even the trees. At least they'll be warm tonight!

Peace, love and warm tents,

Rachel

Broken

2010-01-18T15:27:00.000-08:00

The ground beneath my feet is the base of everything. I find shelter on it, I eat food grown in it, I use fuel found deep inside it. I build my life on it. I see my future on it. I dream from my bed, in my home, built on top of it. So what happens then when the ground beneath my feet suddenly becomes my enemy? What happens when this thing I’ve always trusted, always counted on turns against me?

I wish the ground beneath me would stop shaking. I wish I could trust the ground I’m sitting on right now. I wish I could, but I can’t, and I don’t and I am starting to wonder if I ever will again.

Never in all my life have I felt more terrified. Never have I felt so powerless and helpless. There is nothing I could do to stop the earth from shaking. Nothing. It came without notice, it lasted as long as it wanted and continues to remind us of its dangerous threat through continued tremors.

Praise the Lord we just have cracked walls and broken things. It is a miracle. The Lord, once again has protected Mission of Hope and everyone on it.

We are surrounded by death and destruction, but we were protected. We are surrounded by pain and suffering, but we were saved.

The death has affected us, we are grieving the lose of Farah; the cutest flower girl you’ve ever seen. We are grieving the lose of Gabrielle; an always smiling secretary. We are grieving along side our brother Bildad for the lose of his sister, whose body has yet to be recovered. We are grieving along side Ruben and Patris who lost the majority of their classmates when their school collapsed. We grieve along side the mothers who held their dying babies in their arms. We grieve along side the fathers who watched as their homes crumbled to pieces on top of their loved ones. We grieve along side the brothers sent out to search for their sibling’s bodies. We grieve along side those who are hurt and cannot find anyone to help them. We grieve along side those who are trapped inside a collapsed building crying out for help and finding none. We grieve along side those who abandon the remains of their loved ones because there is simply nowhere to bring the bodies.

It breaks my heart to see the Hope House kids shiver through the night, as they lay on their mattresses in the middle of the churchyard, screaming every time we feel a tremor. It is my job to protect them. It is my job to keep them safe. It is my responsibility to keep things like this from happening to them. And yet, as I write this email I am just a few feet away from the rows of children huddled together trying to keep warm.

Please pray for the people of Haiti, a people who have suffered far too much.

Rachel

My delusion and my vow

2010-01-10T17:49:00.001-08:00

I hope to one-day live in a world where every child is loved as a child should be loved; unconditionally and whole-heartedly. A world where every child is protected and can live without fear or harm.

I hope to one-day live in a world where there is no hunger or strife, a world where we each have enough to fill our bellies without waste or greed.

I hope to one-day live in a peaceful world, where innocent children’s lives are never lost, a world without bombs, guns and child soldiers.

I hope to one-day live in a world that lives in harmony with nature. Instead of destroying everything around us we all work together to make the world a better place, a greener place, a safer place.

I hope to one-day live in a world where we are all treated as equals regardless of nationality, colour, creed, age or sex, a world where we are all treated with love and respect.

I know the world I hope for is a wild dream, a delusion if you will.

The only person I can change is myself. A wise man once said, “be the change you want to see in the world.” and so I vow to live my life

- protecting those who cannot protect themselves
- without greed and excess waste
- peacefully
- making the world a greener place
- feeding the hungry to the best of my ability
- treating others with love and respect

Maybe I can’t change the world, but I can impact those around me.

Peace, love and hope for a brighter day,

Rachel

Always an adventure

2010-01-10T17:41:00.001-08:00

5:15am – I have been at the Toronto airport since 3:15am. I just got through my second security check and am sitting in front of my gate finally. As I was standing in line I was wondering which would be better, to be scanned by one of those new and improved x-rated scanners which basically removes your clothing and takes a picture of you in the buff OR having someone actually touching you all over. I have not decided which I think is worse yet, but I can tell you that my “pat down” was surprisingly personal, for lack of a better term. At least my coffee is good, really good actually.

5:21am – I forgot to mention that I have not slept at all yet. We had to leave the house at 1:30 so there really wasn’t a point.

5:25am – There is totally a famous person sitting across from me. I can’t figure out who she is though, so she can’t be that famous. She’s older I think she played a teacher or a mother or something on a show I used to watch. I’m going to keep right on staring to see if I can figure it out.

5:28am – She just smiled at me. Maybe she’s not famous, maybe she’s just some lady I know somehow. Weird. I’m getting nervous about this flight leaving on time. My experience with Delta has left A LOT to be desired and so far I have not left on time at all. I only have a 45 minute lay-over in New York so I kind of HAVE to leave on time if I want to get home today.

6:05am – My flight is supposed to be leaving right now and I’m still sitting here staring at Mrs. May-be-famous. I’m getting really nervous, if I don’t make my connecting flight I’m stuck at the airport until Monday!! I really hope we leave soon.

6:50am – Good news, I’m on the plane finally. Bad news, we’re already 45 minutes late AND I’m sitting directly across from the washroom. I can literally touch the door with my elbow. Ok, maybe not my elbow but I don’t need to fully extend my arm to touch the door. Speaking of the door, I hope they close it before we take off. I don’t want toilet water splashing all over me if we hit turbulence!!

7:05am –The stewardess closed the washroom door. We’re 5th in line to take off. I really don’t think I’m going to make my flight.

8:35am – I slept pretty much the whole flight. We should be landing in 20 minutes or so, which gives me 5 minutes from the time this flight lands and my next flight takes off. This is NOT GOOD!

8:55am – The board says my flight is “closed”. That can’t be good.

8:57am – I hear my name being called over the intercom, “Rachel Montgomery please come to gate 7 immediately your flight is ready for takeoff. The doors will be closing in two minutes.”

8:58am - People are staring as I run past them. Running, running, running.

9:00am – I MADE MY FLIGHT!! I’m still trying to catch my breath and man, am I ever sweating! I wish you could have seen Diana’s face when she saw me walk onto the plane! (She flew in front Buffalo and we had planned to meet up at JFK and fly together.)

9:02am – We have not taken off yet, they just made an announcement about waiting for the last of the luggage to be put on. I hope it’s mine, but the chances of my bags making it are slim to none. At least I made it and don’t have to spend the next two days in freezing cold New York without a coat!!! YAY!!

12:10pm – The guy sitting across the aisle from us isn’t feeling very well. He looks real sweaty and kind of like he might throw up or something. The stewardess just went to get him some water.

12:20pm – He doesn’t look very good and the stewardess looks nervous. They just made an announcement asking if there are any doctors or medical personnel on board, saying we have a ‘medical emergency’…nothing like the word emergency to make people panic! Everyone is trying to see what’s going on, we’ve got a pretty good view since he’s right across from us. I hope he’s ok! We should be landing in about 40 minutes. There are quite a few nurses on the flight, but no doctor as far as I can tell.

12:30pm – They’ve checked his blood pressure and his blood sugar. I’m assuming his blood sugar is low or something because they just brought some cookies and ginger ale over for him.

12:40pm – He looks much better already. Thank goodness! The nurses are heading back to their seats and the stewardess’ are filling out some kind of incident report.

12:45pm – They are just putting the oxygen tank away. I’m surprised they have an oxygen tank on board. I wonder what else they have.

12:55pm – We’re about to land. I’m super excited and super tired!

1:20pm – Guess what I just picked up. My bags! I can’t believe they made it! We left New York like 5 minutes after I got on the plane. I really didn’t think they could make it! YAY!

1:30pm – Haiti, how I have missed you. It’s so warm and sunny. Nothing like the sunshine to make a person happy.

1:55pm – I love that when we get to the gravel pit I get that “I’m so close to home” feeling. It’s the same feeling I get when we get to the Thoroldstone Rd exit in Niagara Falls.

2:15pm – I love that the kids are so excited to see me they are literally jumping up and down as we drive in.

Snow everywhere!

2010-01-10T17:29:00.000-08:00

This is the reason I'll probably stay in Haiti for Christmas next year.

Have a great day!

Rachel

A year of possibilites

2010-01-01T08:18:00.001-08:00

Gone with the old and in with the new. There is something so freeing about a New Year. We can forget about the heartbreaks, the struggles, disappointments and grief of the past year and look forward to the future. It’s a clean slate, a new beginning. Who knows what will happen in 2010. Will it be the year of adventure and romance of laughter and friendship of health and happiness? The year I look back on and say with a smile, “2010 was the best year of my life.”

I hope so!

Here’s to a new beginning, a fresh start, a year of possibilities.

I pray this year will be a year of blessing, of learning, of growth, of love and happiness for us all.

Peace, love & a new year,

Rachel

Merry Christmas

2010-01-01T07:51:00.001-08:00

“…and the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

The only things I wanted this Christmas were to sing Silent Night by candlelight on Christmas Eve, to share “most memorable Christmas” stories around the dinner table at Auntie Helen and Uncle Kwai’s, to get a 5 minute long hug from my favourite Pastor and his beautiful wife, to sit and laugh the night away with my cousins, to get a tour of my sister and brother-in-law’s new house, to sit around the kitchen table trying to figure out Dad’s new flying moth toy, and to help bake the last of the Christmas cookies.

I didn’t need gifts, wrappers or bows. Being able to share these special memories would have been more than enough!

For the first time since 2006 I am celebrating Christmas in Canada with my family, and I couldn’t possibly ask for anything more.

I hope and pray that your Christmas was as amazing as mine was this year.

peace, love & a very Merry Christmas to each and every one of you,

Rachel

Always room for more

2010-01-01T07:48:00.000-08:00

Since I arrived in Haiti 3 years, 4 months ago the orphanage has been full. There has never been a moment in time when we thought "we have some free beds, let's fill them!" Or even a day when I thought to myself, if we just did some rearranging we could fit a few more kids in. We have been FULL from day one.

But somehow, someway there always seems to be room for one more.

First came Christopher, we couldn't turn him away with his cornrows and sweet smile!

Then Jean Marc, living in "friends" houses working for his keep after his mother passed away. He has brought a light that shines so bright into our lives!

Then Michelove and Mackenlove, our very own Cinderella story; the poor things were suffering at the hands of their evil stepmother. Those two are always looking out for each other and just as spunky as the day we first met!

Then came the "New Jerusalem" clan. Fifteen kids all at once. We weren't sure how we were going to make that work, but somehow our rooms seemed to grow making space for new beds and new faces. It took two years before all our kids were able to live together under one roof, but eventually we were able to finally become "one BIG happy family!"

Then came our tiny twins, who are not so tiny these days! Their smiles and laughter make the sleepless nights and spit up stained shirts worth while!

Then, just when we thought there really REALLY wasn't room for anymore kids, we met Matthew. A teeny tiny little bundle of love. When I was asked, "Do you think there is room for another baby down there?" The only answer we could come up with was, "There's always room for one more!"

And so our family has grown once again and we are proud to welcome Matthew Joseph into the Hope House family!

Praise God for His everyday miracles; like somehow making sure there is always room for one more!

peace, love and a smiling soon to be healthy baby,

Rachel

so much more

2009-12-07T09:16:00.001-08:00

Last night I held a seven month old baby boy, who couldn’t have weighed more than 10 pounds. He was literally skin and bones. His skin hung loose over his fragile little skeleton. I was shocked to hear that he was looking so much better than he was just a few short weeks ago. My mind started to wonder what he must have looked like a few weeks ago if THIS was better!

As I looked into the eyes of this precious baby I knew only one thing; it wasn’t right. No baby should ever have to suffer the way this tiny little boy was suffering. No baby should ever have to go hungry for days on end. No baby should have to sleep on a dirty cement floor.

There is so much more, we were created for so much more. I hope this little baby gets to experience the “so much more” part of life.

When I see Hannah and Jeremiah, their happy smiling faces, and their chubby arms and legs I realize that their lives were saved. There is no question in my mind that they would have died if we had not taken them in.

But what about this new baby? What about him? Will he die if we can’t take him?

Please pray for this tiny baby boy...

Rachel

One people

2009-12-02T19:21:00.000-08:00

Dave Matthews says, “You and me together, we can do anything.”

The Black Eyed Peas say, “One tribe, one time, one planet, one race, it’s all one blood… we are one people.”

Zac Efron and the rest of the High School Musical gang say, “We’re all in this together.”

The Bible says that we as Christians form one body; all parts working together in harmony.

There is a Haitian Proverb that says, “Many hands make heavy loads light.”

I think we’re on to something here.

We’re not meant to carry our burdens alone, we’re not meant to face the dark corners of this world by ourselves. We were created for community. We were created to support each other, to love each other, to share in the joy and laughter of those around us but also to help carry each others' burdens, to take on the pain and suffering of our fellow man.

We were created to work together, each and every one of us working together to make this world a better place.

Are we?

Are you?

Jesus, the master recycler!

2009-11-23T15:29:00.000-08:00

Can our sins be used for good? Romans 8:28 says, “In all things God works for the good of those who love him.”

In John 20 Jesus says, “If you forgive someone’s sins, they’re gone for good. If you don’t forgive sins, what are you going to do with them?”

I’m sitting here thinking about this, thinking about the wording of that. “If you don’t forgive sins, what are you going to do with them?” We need to DO SOMETHING with our sin.

I’m a visual person, so let me paint a picture for you: picture a garbage dump, it’s smelly, it’s gross, it’s massive, the pile just keeps getting bigger and no one knows what to do with all that useless garbage stinking up the neighborhood.

Then some genius comes along with this brilliant idea: Recycling! Who would have thought we could convert waste into a reusable material. But that’s not all this genius came up with. Not only are we going to recycle, but we’re also going to reduce our waste and reuse what we can.

Stay with me here and you’ll see where I’m going with this.

In my illustration Jesus is this genius recycler.

Instead of our sins rotting away in a landfill He turns them into forgiveness, but not just that, He converts that sin into a reusable material! He enables us to use our past experiences, our past sin to touch others, to reach the lost, to connect with other people whose sins are rotting away in the landfill. He takes it a step further and helps us reduce our sin. He understands that we’re human and there will always be some sin, it’s a part of life, but he teaches us to reduce our sin more and more everyday. He also helps us reuse our sin. (Hear me out!) When our sin is transformed into forgiveness we can be sure that our forgiveness is lived in daily.

Jesus, the master recycler!

Peace, love and the 3 R’s!

Rachel

Blue Like Jazz inspired rambling

2009-11-22T21:36:00.000-08:00

I recently read the book Blue Like Jazz. The book itself was very scattered and I found it hard to follow, but there were random quotes and thoughts throughout the book that really got me thinking.

The writer talks about living in the woods with a group of hippies for a short period of time. Through that experience he was changed: he didn’t make a conscious choice to change, he just did. He was still the same person but he was different. He had seen the world through the eyes of someone completely different from him, he had learned to appreciate the thoughts and views of a group of people he had never before cared to associate with. In the short time he had spent in the woods he had started to absorb the culture, the attitudes, the passions of those around him. For a few months after he left the woods he becomes this in-between guy, this part hippie part yuppy guy. After a while he goes back to hanging out with his yuppy friends, and absorbs their culture, attitude and passions again to eventually become a mostly yuppy and only a small fraction hippie guy.

I found this whole thought interesting, and it has really gotten me thinking. We are like sponges absorbing the culture, attitudes and passions of those around us. If I spent a summer living in the woods with hippies I would leave the woods much more “hippie” than I entered it. Why? Because no matter what, we become like the people we spend the most time with.

Living in Haiti, I meet a lot of people who are passionate about missions, feeding the hungry, taking care of orphans, educating the poor, spreading the Gospel, providing medical care to those who can’t afford it...etc. Hanging around these people feeds my passion and makes it stronger. I have become more passionate about these things than I was before coming here, it’s amazing.

But what about my other passions? I don’t run into a lot of people who are passionate about art history, protecting the environment, Dave Matthews, photography, live music, dancing, vegetarianism, gardening, non-violence and so on.

I’m passionate about all these things; from missions to Dave Matthews.

At least I have been in the past.

It’s hard to be passionate about something when you’re the only one around who is passionate about it.

I miss my hippie friends. I miss my artisan friends. I miss my vegetarian friends. I miss my musician friends. I miss my tree hugging friends. I miss my peace loving friends.

I miss absorbing their culture, their attitudes and their passion. I miss feeling like I belong. I miss being one of many. I miss feeling connected.

Only You are Holy

2009-11-03T18:43:00.000-08:00

God has been speaking to me over the past few weeks.

It's always a wonderful thing when God speaks to you, although sometimes it's painful. No one likes to be told they're doing something wrong. As much as we try to pretend, no one truly enjoys being criticized. Yet, the Bible says we are the clay and God is the potter. We need to be pliable and allow God to form us and mold us into the person He wants us to be. Which means sometimes God needs to let us know when we start down a path He hasn’t laid out for us.

I am so accustomed to my way of doing things, to my way of thinking. I am set in my ways and to be completely honest I don't want to change. Change is hard. Change takes effort. Change takes energy. Change hurts. Change is humbling. Change means I have to be willing to say, "I need to do something different, because what I'm doing isn't working."

I like to think I have it all together. I like to think, "I have arrived." I like to think I am a good person. I like to be in charge! Oh, how prideful I have become.

Here's the thing God's been trying to teach me lately. It's one of those simple yet earth shattering truths. "It's more important to be with God than to work for God." God would rather someone spend time investing in their relationship WITH God than spend time working FOR God.

So pretty much God is telling me this. "Rachel, it's wonderful that you so badly want to work yourself to the bone for Me, but if that means you're sacrificing our relationship it's worth nothing. I would prefer an hour of your time over 10 hours of your work."

Then tonight I went to a prayer and worship service at the church and God added something else on top of what He's already been telling me. We sang a song that says:

Only You are worthy
Only You are wonderful
For there's no one else like You
Who is faithful ever true
All my love, my heart, my life
Is a testimony
Only You are holy

While we sang an extended version of this song in Creole the Lord opened my eyes to this painful truth; He is not number one on my priority list.

Why is it that the truth always hurts so much? I couldn't argue, He was right. Somehow the kids, the orphanage, my job has become my priority. Here I am, "Doing the Lord's work." and the work somehow slipped in front of the Lord on my priority list.

So now what? I'm back at step 1. There are some major changes that need to be made, and it's not going to be easy, it's not going to be comfortable. My pride will be hurt, that's unavoidable. Being molded from what I am into what God wants me to be is not going to be easy, or pain-free, but it's what I want. It's what needs to be done.

It's like in 1 Corinthians 13, when Paul talks about doing all sorts of wonderful, honorable things, but doing them without love, thus making them worth nothing. Since God IS love, if I am doing all these wonderful, honorable things without God as my center, without God as my focus, without God as my priority what is it worth? NOTHING.

I have to make God, my priority. If he isn't my priority than nothing I do is worth anything. But how does one go about changing the focus of their life? I’m not entirely sure. I guess I just have to be pliable and open to change.

I am the clay and He is the potter.

Warning: Not for the squeamish

2009-11-01T19:17:00.000-08:00

It's been a strange week for me. I've been sick with a very bizarre illness. I usually like to keep my illnesses quiet for my mother's sake. I don't like to make her worry, but I am better now and this story is just too interesting to keep to myself.

It all started with a little tiny dot on my side. It must have been itchy, but I don't really remember. I'm often scratching so it didn't really stand out, except for the fact that it kept growing. It took about 4 or 5 days before it really went wild, but on that last day it went from a couple inches wide to a small dinner plate sized, red, itchy, swollen, hard area of weirdness. I went to Grant and Sandy's to see what Grant thought (he's an Advanced Care Paramedic and quite handy to have around!) He told me it looked like some sort of bite that I was having an allergic reaction to. He told me to load up on Benedryl for the night and recommended I get down to the clinic first thing in the morning. Thankfully I had my wonderful friend Dana visiting for the week, who took great care of me. I ended up having a bit of a fever that night and some nausea, but otherwise was ok.

The next morning the doctor poked around at my ever growing red side and had me do some blood tests. The tests came back saying I was having an allergic reaction and had an infection.

The fever continued for a couple days accompanied by a general feeling of awfulness. I started feeling better after a few days, but other weird things started happening. The first and most alarming was pain in my lungs. If I wasn't laying down my lungs hurt, as though I had been coughing constantly for a few days, which I hadn't been. Next my hands and feet started swelling. A day later I woke up with a swollen face and with incredibly itchy tiny blisters all over my swollen fingers, and small cold sores in the corners of my mouth. My finger tips have been feeling strange, as though they are callused, and this morning I noticed that there are some blisters coming through.

(Just a warning to those of you who are squeamish, you should probably just stop reading now.)

The lump on my side was quite large, hard and painful. I was able to relieve some of that pain, by opening it up and squeezing out a large amount of puss. Gross, I know, but it felt better almost instantly. I had to do this a few times over a couple days.

The redness and swelling is almost completely gone now. What is left is a small hole in my side. Yes, you read that correctly I said HOLE. Apparently the infection ate away some of my flesh! Don't panic, I know what you're thinking, 'A hole in your side can't be good.' but apparently it's not even all that uncommon in skin infections. Tonight I flushed it out with peroxide (yes it hurt) which was very strange. I actually had to stick the syringe tip INTO the hole and then squirt the peroxide in.

All in all I am feeling great now. I figure a few more days and all I will have left from this weird illness is a small scar on my side.

It was kind of fun (in a sick sort of way) to have a new symptom every day. Every morning Grant, Diana and I would gather on the porch as I had my 'show and tell' of the newest weird thing happening.

I still don't know what bit me, but all in all it was the most interesting illnesses I have ever had.

Hopefully you didn't read this email while eating your breakfast! Once again, sorry if I grossed anyone out.

Peace, love & bubbling peroxide,

Rachel

Another interesting afternoon

2009-10-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

Today was strange for me. I sometimes think I'm running out of "firsts" when it comes to the kids at Hope House but then something always happens and I think to myself, "Well, here's something new."

The kindergarten kids usually stop by my office when school lets out. Steevenson is a bit of a tattle tale so I am always well informed if one of the other HH kids in his class gets into trouble. Today was no exception. He let me know that one of the girls got in trouble today for showing a boy in their class her underwear. Apparently the little boy asked if he could see her undies, she said sure and up went her skirt.

This little incident reminded me that I've been meaning to have a talk with the kids about their "private areas", what's OK and what's not OK, and of course what to do if someone tries to touch their private areas. And so I spent the afternoon with the kids (in separate groups according to sex and age) talking about these things.

My life is strange. Awesome, but strange.

Rachel

Nightmares

2009-10-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what to write today, but I feel like writing something. Writing just makes things better, writing helps me figure out what is going on in my mind, things I haven't yet digested sometimes come clear when I write.

I've been having a hard time sleeping again. It's a cycle. I have finally figured out what triggers the beginning of a disruptive sleep cycle: Nightmares. I have had issues with nightmares for as long as I can remember, but since moving to Haiti the nightmares have become much worse. More frequent, more violent, more frightening, more graphic, more disturbing.

I don't often complain about being single, for the most part I don't mind. I can eat the 'last piece' of everything, I can be spontaneous, I can eat peanuts and candy corn for lunch, I can work long hours and come home and work some more if I feel like it and I never have to wait for the washroom, there really are a lot of perks to being single. However when I wake up in the middle of the night from a murderous nightmare I want nothing more that to have someone there to tell me it was just a dream and everything will be alright.

When the nightmares get really bad fear begins to set in which then makes me dread going to bed. I go to bed anxious about what might happen in my mind while I sleep. Sometimes I take sleeping pills, not because I can't fall asleep but because I want to stay asleep, or at least fall back asleep right away after a nightmare. There is nothing worse than lying in bed, not being able to fall back asleep after waking up from a nightmare. Your mind just keeps playing the dream over and over causing more and more anxiety as you lay alone in the dark. Of course after having a night like this you don't feel very rested in the morning which then affects every part of your day. It's all part of Satan's plan.

Thankfully I have God on my side.

Thankgiving

2009-10-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving was pretty exciting this year, seeing as we actually celebrated!

Turkey (non for me of course), stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce and of course pumpkin pie. It was a regular thanksgiving feast celebrated with lots of CANADIAN friends, both new and old. It was a fantastic day of celebration.

We were all especially thankful to have Laurens with us to share in the festivities.

A miracle

2009-10-09T19:06:00.001-07:00

There was an accident, a head on collision between a pick up truck and a monstrous water truck. The pick-up truck driver was my friend, my neighbour, my Mr. Fix it, Laurens van der Mark, a fellow missionary serving at Mission of Hope. The passengers were a number of Mission of Hope employees; teachers, a student and a carpenter.

After seeing what was left of Laurens’ truck I realized that what I was looking at was the broken, blood splattered shell of a miracle.

There was blood, there were broken bones, there will be scars and bruises but there were no deaths, not one.

Praise the Lord.

It is a miracle, a real life miracle. There is no way anyone should have lived.

Laurens stayed overnight at the hospital and came home this afternoon. He has a few broken ribs, had to get sewn up in a number of places and has quite a few bumps and bruises. As you can imagine he is in quite a bit of pain.

The other passengers suffered a wide range of injuries, one woman has a broken femur, another has a possible broken collar bone, yet another has a sprained wrist. All passengers suffered lacerations mostly to the face and head.

Please keep Laurens and the other passengers in your prayers during this time of recovery. May it be quick, may is be without complication and may it be as pain-free as possible.

Let’s remember to say ‘thank you’ as well for God’s hand of protection over each passenger in the vehicle. It truly is a miracle they’re alive.

Peace, love & healing,

Rachel

A poem by Rudyard Kipling

2009-10-09T06:14:00.000-07:00

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Past my bedtime

2009-09-30T20:54:00.001-07:00

Today has not been a good day. It was one of those days where I feel like I'm completely lost, and have no idea how to get where I need to go.

It was one of those days I ask myself over and over, "What am I doing here? I am NOT equipped for this job."

I find myself asking God a million questions that all sound the same.

I say, "God I can't do it." and He says, "If you couldn't do it I wouldn't have asked you to." I say, "God I don't have a clue what I'm doing, I can't make these kind of decisions." He responds, "You're not alone in this, I'm right here with you." I say, "God, I really don't think I'm the right person for this job." God says, "Who knows best, you or Me?"

I say, "Why does it have to be so hard?"

God says, "Rachel, would you just go to bed already and stop worrying about everything?"

I guess it's time for bed.

The toothbrush cup

2009-09-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

There are moments that stand out above and beyond all others. Usually these moments are nothing shiny, nothing flashy just pure and simple joy.

As I reached for my toothbrush the other night I noticed that it was not alone.

It was sleepover night at my house and a bedroom of girls were staying over. It made me smile when I saw a little pink toothbrush next to mine. This simple act spoke to me. It said, “I am comfortable in your home. I feel acceptance here. I feel loved.”

Maybe it’s a stretch, maybe I’m reaching here, but I think the placement of a toothbrush says a lot.

When you’re staying over at a friend’s where do you put your toothbrush? Do you keep it in your bag? Leave it on the counter? Or put it in the cup? Typically, when staying with friends, I keep mine in my makeup bag, unless I feel at completely welcome and at home where I am. Then, and only then does my toothbrush find it’s home in the cup.

I am so glad the kids feel like they are at home when they are here, because in a way they are.

Peace, love and toothbrush cups,

Rachel

Mission Impossible

2009-09-18T07:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in my whining I ask God to do something I know is impossible. Forgetting of course that nothing is impossible for God.

Just a few days I ago I wrote a blog called “Back to the simple life.” In which I wrote these very words: “Maybe if I met some new people or made some new friends it would shake things up a bit, but where in Haiti can I meet new people?”

Well, the answer to that question is; at the end of a road, in a beautiful house with a green gate.

Yesterday we spent the day visiting with an awesome family. I had such a great time. It’s so wonderful to meet people who can understand the things you go through, laugh along with you through your mishaps, and share theirs too. You can swap stories about trying to barter in the market, or what to do when kids throw rocks at your dog. You can laugh at things others may find offensive (for a lack of understanding). There is an immediate connection with people who have led similar lives and been through similar situations. I even got to come home with a little something to plant in my vegetable garden.

It’s refreshing to be reminded that NOTHING is impossible for God and to be reminded that He hears me and cares enough about me to make days like yesterday possible.

Go, Go, Go Joseph!

2009-09-16T18:56:00.000-07:00

As part of the Missionary Development Program I’m doing I have to read through the Bible, cover to cover. I’ve made it all the way to Genesis. (This is a joke, for those of you who are not Bible readers, since the very first book of the Bible is Genesis)

The story of Joseph is really interesting. There is so much going on, every time I read it something completely new catches my attention.

First of all going back to before Joseph was born; the love story of Jacob and Rachel. I just can’t imagine how angry Jacob must have been to be tricked into marrying Leah after working for Rachel’s hand for SEVEN YEARS! It kind of makes sense why Jacob loved Joseph more than his other sons. Not that loving one child more than another is right, but I can understand where he was coming from. He truly loved Rachel, enough to work 14 years for her hand, of course he is going to have a different connection with the son she bore him.

But the thing that really stuck out to me this morning was Joseph’s understanding of why everything happened the way it did. He wasn’t angry with his brothers (although he did play some mind games with them at first), and he certainly wasn’t sitting around whining, “Why me?” After everything that happened to him; being betrayed by his brothers, being sold into slavery, being thrown into jail FOR YEARS for something he didn’t do, he welcomed his brothers, the ones who betrayed him and SOLD him in the first place, with open arms.

“Come closer to me,” Joseph said to his brothers. They came closer. “I am Joseph your brother whom you sold into Egypt. But don’t feel badly, don’t blame yourselves for selling me. God was behind it. God sent me here ahead of you to save lives.”

Not only does Joseph not ask God “Why me?” but he doesn’t hold a grudge against Him or the brother who SOLD him. He understood that it was all for a purpose; to save lives. He understood that God’s plan was bigger and better than he was. Joseph understood that even though he went through some hard times it was all part of God’s plan!

Hhmm…I think there are lessons to be learned in this.

Can I ever get to the point where I trust God so much I don't even ask questions? Where I don't whine and complain and wonder, "Why is God putting me through this."

God's plan is FOR GOOD, it always is, why is it so hard to trust that?

back to the simple life

2009-09-15T18:55:00.001-07:00

I'm having a hard time adjusting back into the simple life. I want to be able to run free, to come and go as I please, to drive for hours in whatever direction the wind blows, to wander, to dance, to explore, to be the free spirit I once was.

I love what I do, I love these kids with all my heart. I'm so glad this is where my life journey has brought me, but to be honest, sometimes I miss the adventures of my past life. Sometimes the things I've given up haunt me. Sometimes I wish I could be two different people, live in two different places and lead two different lives.

I'm not sure what the answer is. To be honest I don't even really know what the question is. Am I in a rutt or just having a blah kind of day? Do I need to make some changes or just accept the simplicity that is my life?

Maybe if I met some new people or made some new friends it would shake things up a bit, but where in Haiti can I meet new people?

If only a weekend away was an option. An all night bonfire on the beach, a Dave Matthews concert, some ice and sliced limes, a few good friends and great conversation.

The beginning

2009-09-14T16:14:00.004-07:00

The beginning of what, I'm not quite sure, but it's the beginning of something.